PS 1769 
.H68 N5 
Copy 1 



1 



^ Cents 



^rlERICAN 

DRAMA 




CHICAGO 

TI1E DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



What Became of Parker 



A FARCE-COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 



BY 



MAURICE HAGEMAN. 



Author of Hector — A Crazy Idea — First Kiss — By Telephone— \ 

Mrs. Mulcahy— To Rent— Prof. Robinson j 

Hageman's Make-up Book— Etc. j 



CHICAGO 
THE DRAMATIC PUBI.ISHING COMPANY. 



^■Lo \ 



TWO COPIES HfcCEWED. .W^^ 

^ 17989 

Cas^ of Characters. 

Fred Parker, a wholesale dry goods merchant. 
William Torrence, his partner. 
Jeremiah Growler, a retired business man. 
James Jones. ;; ,^ 

Mr. Harrison, a capitalist from ChicagOf GOweJ^^ 



Dr. Rogers. 

Police-Sergeant Ripley, 
Otto, a waiter. 

Vivian, Parker's wife. 
Mildred Green, her maiden 
Hebe Worthy, Growler's niece, 
Cora, maid at Parkers. 




The action of the first act takes place in Parker's apartments, 
Chicago. The following acts are laid at the Park Hotel in 
Waukesha. 



Plays Two and One-Half Hours. 



Copyright 1898 by the Dramatic Publishing Company, Chicago. 



Notice. 



The professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
the publishers, from whom written permission must be obtained 
before performance. All persons giving unauthorized productions 
will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This notice does 
not apply to amateurs, who may perform the play without 
permission. 



/Z-^V^ 



n 



What Became of Parker 

ACT I. 

Scene : Room in Parker's flat, furnished to denote comfort- 
able circumstances. Fred and "Vivian discovered. 

Vivian. [Occupied ivith some embroidery, seated l,.] Fred, 
Fred, dear! 

Fred, [Seated n. absorbed in the reading of a newspaper, 
without looking up.] Eh? 

Vivian. [Aside.] He won't pay any attention to me! [Aloud.] 
Fred, ifs after ten. 

Fred. [Aside.] This is getting tiresome! [Aloud.] Can't you 
see that I am busy? 

Vivian. [Smiling.] Why, you are only reading the news- 
paper! 

Fred. "Only reading the newspaper!" It's of the greatest 
importance to me; a merchant, above all others, must know what 
is going on in the world. 

Vivian. [Rising and approaching him.] Thanks for the in- 
formation, dear! [Looks at the paper over Fred's shoulder.] Only, 
I was not aware that the reading of the serial story was necessary 
for your mercantile information. [Laughs.] Ha-ha-ha. 

Fred. It seems to me you are getting slightly sarcastic of late, 
Vivian! I suppose that's the result of being so much in the com- 
pany of your venerable aunt! 

Vivian. Oh, poor, innocent aunt Mildred! 

Fred. She's a confounded nuisance around here, and I Vv^ish 
she'd leave us alone. 

Vivian. I am glad to have her company. What would I do 
all alone the live long day, while you are at the office? 

Fred. I don't know! It seems to me that a woman who is 
keeping house can easily find more useful occupation than gossip- 
ing her time away. 

Vivian. I, gossip? 

Fred, That's all women do when they meet! 

Vivian. How awfully gallant you are today! 

Fred. Then don't aggravate me with your eternal back talk! 

Vivian. Do you think that a woman must always be of the 
same opinion as her husband? 

Fred. No, of course not! But no matter what I say, you 
always manage to hold a different opinion! Usually, you won't 
even let me finish what I am saying, but interrupt me before you 

Vivian. [Interrupting him.] I never did anything like that 
in my life! It's impolite! Only, what's the use, when I know 
exactly what you are going to say? 



4 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Fred. Exactly, there yon interrupt me again! You imagine 
you know, a^fd answer accordingly! That's just like a woman! 

Viv an! Why should you suppose that we women are abso- 
lulll devoid of any comm^^ Now, I can give you a few 

"^YretiMerricpting her.] According to the latest fnatj)mi^^^^ 
statistics it is a proven fact that the j^vem^e mascuhne brain 
weicrhs fully ten per cent more than the female. 

vTvian. Ah, this time you interrupted me! 

Fmf. That' has nothing to do with the q^^^^lf^' ^ou are 
merely trying to avoid it, because my argument is "^/^^^^Yf^.^,*^^^^ 

Vivi'iii Fred you are getting meaner every day! I wish I had 
never m'arried!' "^^unt Mildred always says a woman is much 

"^ F^red! t thoughl'so! That old vixen is trying to poison your 

"^ vfyffiu" Sh'is at least kinder to me than you are. 

\ Enter Torreuce c. d. ivith a bundle of letters and papers m his 

*■ hand.] 

Torrpiice, I say, Fred, are you not coming over to the office 

loiieiice, 1 bdy, (jtj X beg your pardon. Good morning, 

Mrs'krSr? iTnd^^^^^^ is forgetting all about the 

"""^^^ G^od is Ji^ning, M'To^rrence. No, not exactly, I called 
hilatttntion to the fact that it was after ten some time ago. 

YrlT [Irritated.] So.you did, but m w^ ^/nner? 

Torreuce. There's no explanation needed, old fellow! 1 can 
ealdr'nderstand how hard^t is for a loving ccniple to separate 
even thoucrh it be only for a few hours. [To \ i^»aiiO btill neces 
sity knovvino law, madam, and you will excuse me if I carry off 
your husband, as I must consult him in regard to several import- 

n^at^o^r m^e'^^^^^ it Mr. Torreuce. I am not keeping 

him Hhe least. [Sits doion again andtakes ^^i^^'^^jf 'f ;,^^f l^;^ 

Fred. Go ahead. Bill! I'll be at the office in less than ten 

""To'^rmice All right. [Aside to Fred.] Not yet over the 
ho?ey r^oon, eh? Nol don't prolong the sad and lovmg farewell 

%rlT'[^^astically.] There's not much danger of that! 
Torreuce. Good morning, Mrs. Parker. I hope you'll pardon 

myTntrusL, but business, you know [Shaking his fiiiger 

atYreil:] I'll ^'ive you just fifteen minutes by tho clock! [Exit 
tog/migr a d ^^^^f^i^^j,!,, newspaper together, and i^^^^^ 

several times stealthily towards his wife f «;:f^l ^ Ye" No 
to kiss her as usual, but it would look as if I gav^e into her. iNo. 
i can't afford to do it. [Puts the neicspaper under his arm and 



WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 5 

clears his throat] Hm! Hm! [Goes iqj stage to c. d. and turns 
round.] 

Yivian. [Has been nervouslij occupied ivith her emhroiderv 
throwing repeated glances towards her husband. Aside.] He is 
really going without kissing me good-bve! 

Fred. [Again clearing his throat.] Hm! Hm! 

Vivian. [Looks at him, throics her embroidery aside, jumps ur> 
and runs towards him.] Fred, dearest! ^ j- ^ 

Fiya [Embracing her.] My darling! [They come down stage 
together.] ^ 

Vivian. If I hadn't looked around you would have left me 
without kissing me. 

Fred. And if I hadn't coughed you wouldn't have looked 
around. 

Vivian. Yes I would. I couldn't have helped myself. But we 
have both been acting like children, to quarrel about nothing the 
tiret thing in the morning. 

Fred. Well, it's all over and forgotten now, sweetheart! 

Vivian. How did it really come about? 

Fred. There's no need to talk about it any more. Good bve 
dep,r! -' ' 

Vivian. No, just wait a minute! Let me think how it started! 

*red. I can't keep Torrence waiting any longer, my love! 

Vivian. Now, just one second to oblige me! Let me see! Oh 
yes, I remember now. I reminded you that it was past ten. That 
was the beginning! 

Fred. The beginning wasn't the thing. The trouble was at 
the end. Let's start from there and then go back. You said I 
was getting meaner every day, and wished you had never married 
me! 

Vivian. [Regretfully.] I did— but 

Fred. " But "— " but!" There really was no excuse for it! You 
must admit that you were wrong! 

Vivian. [Slightly j^rovoked.] Now, don't commence again ' 

Fred. [Sighing.] Heaven forbid! 

Vivian, Previously you had said something which provoked 
me. Let me see! Oh, yes, you said women had no brains! 

I red. There you exaggerate again! 

Vivian. [Decisively.] No, there's no use of you denying it I 
am quite positive. [Coaxingly.] Come, Fred, be a good, dear 
little husband, and admit that it was all your fault, and that you 
are sorry you said so; then everything will be lovelv again. 

Fred. But I never said so. I can't admit what I didn't say 
It wouldn't be logical! 

Vivian. Whenever you are wrong you commence to throw 
your logic at me! I am only asking this as a favor. 

Fred. But there's no sense in what you ask of me! Be reason- 
able, my dear. [About to embrace her.] 

Vivian. [Evading him] Leave me alone. I detest you! 



6 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Fred. There you go again! Like all women! You are demand- 
ing what is impossible for me to grant, and when I try to 
explain 

Vivian. [Putting her hands to her ears.] I don't need any of 
your explanations! 

Fred. Of course not! You're as obstinate as— as 

Vivian. Oh, go ahead! Don't mind my feelings! You meant, 
I am as obstinate as a mule! That's it! First you called me a 
vixen, and now I'm a mule! 

Fred. I never called you a vixen, nor was it my intention to 
compare you to a mule. But since it am uses you to pervert every- 
thing I say 

Vivian. And I neglect my household duties, and do nothing 
but gossip my time away! Ob, I have a good memory! 

Fred. [Angrily.'] This is getting unbearable. [Lifts up a 
chair and slams it dow7i again.] You would try an angel's 
patience! 

Vivian. [Shrinks together as if in fear.] I won't stand this 
treatment. I suppose you'll be beating me next! Oh, my nerves! 
[Sinks dou-n on a chair.] 

Fred. The old story! When a woman's come to the end of her 
wits, she falls back on her nerves! 

Vivian. [Sobbing.] You — you're a heartless m-m-monster! 

Fred. Of course I am. I'm a monster and a tyrant. The most 
bruial and inhuman of all the notorious Spanish inquisitors was 
only a lamb compared to me! Why don't you add that I am 
slowly torturing you into an early grave? You might as well! 

Vivian. [Crying.] Oh! 

Mildred. [Entering c. d.] Good morning, children. [Sees 
\i\iSLn iviping her eyes,] Aha! Crying, eh? [Looking at T red f 
who is excitedly walking up and doivn.] Are you traming for a 
foot-race? So, we've had another seance, eh? 

Fred. It wasn't my fault. 

Vivian. It certainly wasn't mine. 

Fred. No, — Vivian is not feeling well. She's had an attack of 
the nerves! 

Mildred. Indeed? So much the better! 

Vivian. [AstonisJied.] Eh? 

Mildred. I meant— for my purpose. I told you it was my in- 
tention to leave to-day for some watering place. 

Fred. Oh, yes, I remember it quite well. [Anxiously.] You 
haven't changed your mind. have you? 

Mildred. I've been putting it off constantly, because I was 
afraid something might happen to me! 

Fred. Oh, no, impossible. Nothing could ever happen to you ! 

Mildred. When a lady is all alone, she's often helpless 

Frpd. You are old enough to take care of yourself! 

Mildred. Now, last night an excellent idea struck me, and so 
to-day I come to ask you a great favor. 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 7 

Fred. It's near the first of the month, and I am unable to 
help you, aunt. 

Mildred. No, no, you misunderstand me! 

Fred. Well, what is it then. 

Mildred. Let me take Vivian with me; we won't stay away 
longer than a month. 

Fred. [Quickly and firmly.] With the greatest pleasure! 

Yiviaii. [Rises quickly; agitated, aside.] With the greatest 
pleasure! 

Mildred. Did you hear, Vivian? Your husband doesn't object. 
Will you come with me? 

Vivian. [Restraining her emotion ; quickly.] Certainly, aunt 
Mildred. I'll be delighted! 

Fred. [Aside.] Delighted, eh? 

Cora. [Entering c. d. carrying a srnall tray with a visiting 
card. To Fred.] There's a gentleman would like to see you, sir! 

Fred. To see me? Tell him to go to my office and speak to my 
partner. 

Cora. He's just come from the office; and Mr. Torrence sent 
him here to see you, sir! 

Fred. [Taking the card and reading.] " Horace D. Wallpole!" 
One of our customers, I think. Ask him to go to the office again. 
I'll meet him there in about five minutes. 

Cora. Very well, sir. [Exit c. d.] 

Mildred. [ Who has been conversing aside ivith ViTian.] You 
heard it yourself, he doesn't mind your going. 

Vivian. Did you say, '* with the greatest pleasure," Fred? 

Fred. Yes! I think aunt Mildred's plan an excellent one. 
You'll have a chance to recuperate your nervous system while 
you're away from me. 

Mildred. Exactly. 

Vivian, Very well then. I'll come with you, aunt, with the 
greatest pleasure! 

Fred. [Astonished, aside.] Eh? 

Mildred. Then it's all settled! Your household is so small 
that the servants will be able to look after your husband's 
comfort. 

Fred. Oh, that's a matter of no consequence! 

Vivian. Yes, only I intended to have a general housecleaning 
next week. [Looks at Fred expectantly.] 

Mildred. The servants can do it very well, while you're away. 

Vivian. There should be someone here to superintend it! 

Mildred. Oh, Fred can do that! 

Fred. [Ironically I] Oh, certainly, why not? [Aside grumb- 
ling.^ I— superintend housecleaning! 

Mildred. Well, everything is fixed now. You'd better start 
your packing at once. Mine is all ready! 

Vivian. [Hesitating.] There are several other things I'll have 



8 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

to attend to. I can't leave Fred so suddenly, without looking 
after his wants first. 

Mildred. Now, what's the use of making all this unnecessary 
fuss? 

Fred, Of course, there is no use whatever. Why don't you do 
as your aunt tells you? 

Mildred. You haven't to be fed with a spoon any more, have 
you? 

Fred. Oh, I'll go without eating altogether, if you say so. 

Mildred. You didn't starve when you were a bachelor. 

Yivian. But since our marriage he is being somewhat spoiled, 
aunt. I have looked after all his needs and comforts, and 

Fred. Don't you worry about me, my dear. I'll eat with 
Torrence at some hotel or restaurant. It'll be a change at least! 

Yivian. [Looks at him reproachfully.] 

Mildred. Come, come, we're only losing time for nothing! Give 
me your keys, and I'll help you with your packing. We'll be able 
to catch the one o'clock train. 

Fred. [Ironically.] If you should need my services, I'll 

Yivian. [Spitefully.] Thaaks. We'll do very well without 
them. 

Mildred. Oh, come along, Vivian! [Exuent Mildred and 
Yivian l.] 

Fred. [Looking after them.] Confound her aunt! 

Torrence. [Entering c. d.] What's the matter, Fred? I sent 
that young man to you and you sent him back to the office? I've 
brought him back with me. 

Fred, Young man? Oh, yes! [Takes the visiting card from 
his vest pocket and reads.] "Horace D. Wallpole!" Isn't that 
one of our customer's in Joplin, Missouri? 

Torrence. Exactly. He gave this young man his card by way 
of introduction to us. His own name is Jones, James Jones. He 
wants you to do something for him. 

Fred. Oh, I see! Well, Wallpole's all right, and I'll try to 
oblige him. [Puts the card hack in his pocket.] 

Torrence. You'd better come along. You'll have to look over 
the English mail, and I want to see you about several things, 
especially if it would be safe to extend any credit to Maclaine, 
Watson & Co., in Duluth. 

Fred. [Lost in thought, leaning his head on his haiidx; half 
aside.] Only one month — four weeks! [Sighing and sometvhat 
louder.] Thirty days! 

Torrence. That isn't long enough! 

Fred, What? Not long enough? 

Torrence. They want ninety days! 

Fred. Who? 

Torrence. Maclaine, Watson & Co., of course! 

Fred. [Slowly.] Oh, Maclaine, Watson & Co. 

Torrence. Whom did you think I was talking about? 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 9 

Fred. I was thinking of my wife. 

Torrence. During your engagement to her you used often to 
be absent-minded. Well, then I didn't blame you, all love-sick 

people are more or less [Pantomimic gesture expressing 

flight of mind.] But now that you've been married almost two 
years— — 

Fred. [Suddenly interrupting Mm.] Bill, think of it, my wife 
is going away to a summer resort with her aunt for a whole 
month! 

Torrence. Splendid idea! 

Fred. What? 

Torrence. I meant, if your wife is ill, it's a splendid idea for 
her to go there! 

Fred. But she isn't ill. Never was healthier in her life. It's 
her aunt who is kidnapping her. That old she-dragon is in the 
habit of bursting in upon us like a thirteen inch shell. To-day 
we've had one of her explosions, and she's turned everything up- 
side down. 

Torrence. My dear fellow, nov/ be sensible ! There's no harm 
in a short separation! You know the old adage: " Absence makes 
the heart grow fonder!" 

Fred. Bah, what does a confirmed bachelor like you under- 
stand of these things? 

Torrence. More than you suppose! We look upon these things 
in a rational and sensible way, at least. 

Fred, I won't be able to exist without her! 

Torrence. You'll get used to it. 

Fred. Never. 

Torrence. You'll'work a little harder, and your little wife will 
have a capital time! 

Fred. A capital time. What do you mean? How could she 
have a capital time without me? 

Torrence. For a married man you seem to want a considerable 
amount of information from a confirmed bachelor! You ought to 
be better posted about these things! Don't you know that there 
is always a lot of gay young fellows at those places? 

Fred. [Grabbing 'hold of Torrence's arm, excitedly.] Gay 
young fellows? Are you sure? If she ever should meet any man 
whom she would prefer to me, I tell you I'd [Shaking Tor- 
rence violently.] 

Torrence. [Disengaging himself, laughing.] Here, here. Don't 
lay violent hands on me. I'm sure it isn't my fault. [Rubbing 
his arm.] But why do you allow her to go? 

Fred. I never did! 

Torrence. Then all you've got to do is to ask her to stay 
home ! 

Fred. [After reflecting a short while.] Hm!— why, I can't do 
that very well. It would compromise my dignity as— as — [Sud- 
denly.] Say, Will, do me a favor, have a talk with Vivian and try 



10 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

to persuade her not to go. TeJl her I have fatty degeneration of 
the heart, that any shock may kill me, and that Widow's weeds 
won't be becoming to her particular style of beauty! 

Torreuce. [Determined.] No, Fred. I am your partner in 
business, but not in private matters. You must excuse me! 

Fred. You might mention the subject in an off hand uncon- 
cerned way. You can easily do it, if you stay here for your 
lunch! 

Torrence. No, thanks, old fellow. [Declaiming.] 
At meal time no one ever sat 
With comfort 'twixt a dog and cat! 

Fred. Thanks, you're very complimentary. [Enter Vivian l.. 
Quickly, and aside to Torrence.] There she is now. Go and talk 
to her like a good, old chap. [Commences to whistle uncon- 
cernedly, looks at his trife, and exit r.] 

Vivian. [Nervously and ivith ill-concealed anxiety.] Mr. 
Torrence, what did my husband say to you? 

Torrence. That he's about to become a grass-widower. 

Vivian. He rather seems to like the idea of our separation. 

Torrence. It should be a pleasure to him to grant your lightest 
wish, madam! 

Vivian. But it isn't my wish at all. Aunt Mildred came, 
invited me to accompany her, and asked for his sanction. He 
said I could go "with the greatest pleasure." Just think of it! 
We had previously passed through a little domestic scen-e, that is 
to say, it really didn't amount to much — just as sometimes 
happens between the most devoted 

Torrence. [Absent minded.] Dog and cat. [Quickly trying 
to redress himself.] I beg your pardon, a slip of the tongue. I 
meant husband and wife, of course. 

Vivian. Mr. Torrence, do you think my husband is rather glad 
at my going? 

Torrence. I don't think so. 

Vivian. [Gladly.] Really. Well, then, all he has to do is to 
tell me so; I'll let aunt Mildred travel alone and stay home. 

Torrence. A change of air will be beneficial to you. 

Vivian. I don't need any change of air. I am in excellent 
health. 

Torrence. [Shaking his head earnestly.] Take my advice, 
Mrs. Parker, and go. 

Vivian. [Anxiously.] What do you mean? Why should I? 

Torrence. You see, when two young people get married they 
first live in the seventh heaven of bliss. 

Vivian. Quite true, so we did. 

Torrence. But this life is not all sunshine. After a while some 
clouds appear, even in the connubial heaven. 

Vivian. So they did with us, [Quickly,] that is, only small 
ones. 

Torrence. We human beings are peculiarly organized; we never 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 11 

appreciate suflficiently what we fully possess. Should your hus- 
band lose your companionship«for a while, he will learn to value 
your presence all the more, and estimate your good qualities all 
the better. 

Viyian, Do you really think so? 

Torrence. I am quite positive of it. You will return to him as 
if for a second honeymoon, and he will again carry you on his 
hands. 

Vivian. [Overjoyed.] How lovely that would be. Yes, my 
mind is made up. I'll go. It will be for his and my own happi- 



Torrence. That's right. Now you are looking at it in the 
proper light. 

Vivian. But I have one favor to ask of you, Mr. Torrence. 
Keep a watch over hira, and take good care that he behaves him- 
self during my absence. 

Torrence. Have no fear. I'll keep him so busy at the office 
that he won't have time to breath, let alone to celebrate. 

Vivian. And then there is one other request I have to make. 
It is Fred's intention to take his meals with you at a hotel or 
restaurant. I wish you would both eat here at our table. I'll 
give the cook an entire menu for every day during my absence. 
I know all your favorite dishes, and you will have no fault to 
find. 

Torrence. Very kind of you. If it is doing you a favor I'll 
lunch and dine here. 

Vivian. Thank you. [Gives him her hand.] Now, I'll go and 
finish my packing with a lighter heart. [Exit l..] 

Torrence. [Looking after her.] And yet to say farewell will be 
a trial to the little woman. But I have done my duty. 

Fred. [Entering from r.] Well, what did she say? 

Torrence. She is going. 

Fred. She is? Didn't you try to make her change her mind? 

Torrence. You ought to know women better. When they've 
made up their minds to do a thing there's no use to argue. Your 
better half has made up her mind to accompany her aunt. That's 
the eiid of it. 

Fred. Oh, that confounded busy-body. [Strikes his forehead 
distractedly.] Why did I speak those hasty, thoughtless words: 
"wMth the greatest pleasure?" 

Torrence. I couldn't tell you, I'm sure. One thing I do know, 
she is the most considerate little wife I ever met. You have no 
idea how anxious she is about your welfare during her trip. But 
here, I am talking my time away while that young man isw^aiting. 
Will you see him here or come back with us to the office? 

Fred. I can't come just yet. I will have to get some money 
ready for her first. 

Torrence. Then I'd better send that young fellow up here? 



12 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Fred. Just as you like. I suppose he's iti need of some 
financial aid. 

Torn^iice. Probably. And what abo'it Maclaine, Watson & 
Co? Shall we give them ninety days credit? 

Fred. Ninety Acars, for all I care. [?Jxit dejectedly r.] 

Torr.eiice. Now, there's an up-to-date business man for you. 

Cora. [Enters c. d. followed bi/ Hebe.] Please, step in this 
room, Miss. I will call the lady. [E.vit Ij J 

Hebe. I was told at her appartments that I should find Miss 
Green here. Have I the pleasure to see Mr. Parker? 

Torrence. I. beg your pardon, Miss. I am his partner. Won't 
you please take a chair? 

Hebe. Thank you, sir. [Silfi doivn.] 

Torreiice. Miss Green will be here directly, I presume. Will 
you kindly excuse me? [Exit c. d. after hoin'ng.] 

Cora. [Enters l.] Miss Green asks if you will kindly wait a 
few minutes; ehe is busy packing a trunk. 

Hebe. Certainly. 'Thank you. 

Cora. [Goes tqj stage to c. d. and meets James Jones, icho 
enters.] 

Jones. [To Cora.] Mr. Parker's partner told me I v/ould find 
him up here. 

(!ora. Please step in, sir. He'll be here directly. [Exit c. d.] 

Jones. [.Sees Hebe.] Ah! [Boies.] Have I the pleasure to see 
Mrs. Parker? 

Hebe- [Rises.] No, sir, I am only a stranger here, and wait- 
ing to see Miss Green, Mrs. Parker's aunt. 

Jones. Then I hope you'll be more successful on your errand 
than I have been on mine. I want to see Mr. Parker. I went to 
his office this morning, his partner sends me here, he sends me 
back to his partner at the office^ his partner takes me back from 
the office, and brings me here, saying I'll find him here. But I 
don't find him here. I wonder where he is? 

Hebe. I'm sure I'm unable to tell you, sir. 

Jones. Of course you are, since you are also a stranger here. 
But, please, be seated again. 

Hebe. [Sits dou-n again,] 

Jones. [Aside.] Charming young lady. [Aloud.] Will you 
allow me to assist you in waiting. Miss? 

Hebe. Certainly, sir. 

Jones. [After a short j^ciuse.] It's so much nicer to wait in 
company. 

Hebe. Yes, sir. [Short pause.] . 

Jones. In this life everything is born easier when it is shared, 
happiness as well as sorrow. 

Hebe. Yes, sir. 

Jones, [After a short pause.] Do you live here in Chicago, 
madam. 

Hebe. Yes, sir. 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 13 

Jones. It seems rather a dusty and smoky place. Must be a 
j^rood town for the laundry business. Still, I shall be glad to 
remain here for a while. 
/ Hebe, And I am glad to get away from here for some time. 

Jones. Are you going to leave here? I'm sorry to hear it. 

Hebe. I've come here to ask Miss Green, who leaves to-day, to 
keep rooms at her hotel reserved for us, 

Jones. May I ask where you are going? 

Hebe. We are going to a summer resort I go as companion 
and nurse of an invalid, old uncle of mine. 

Jones, That must be a rather tiresome job. 

Hebe. Oh, no, sir, not at all I owe everything to my uncle, 
and to do one's duty should never be tiresome. 

Jones. So dutiful, and yet so young, madam. 

Hebe. Should youth be a barrier to the performance ot one s 

Jones. [Enthusiastically.] At last I have found the white 
raven I have been looking for; a young lady with principles. 

Hebe. You are making fun of me, sir. 

Jones. Not at ail, madam, I never was more serious m all my 
life. Now-a-days most young ladies are superficial, all they think 
of are their dresses and'their amusements. 

Hebe. What of the voung gentlemen, though? Are they all 
perfection? Most of them are flirts, and weaiy us with their stale 
compliments. 

Jones. Luckily there are exceptions. 

Hebe. I have never met them. 

Jones. [Confused] Indeed? [Short pause.] It seems they 
have forgotten all about us. [Picks up a book.] 

Hebe. You must be getting tired of waiting. Don t let me 
prevent yoii from reading, sir. . , -, .^ ■ -, 11 

Jones. I beg your pardon. I merely picked up this book by 
accident. I did not mean to be rude. [Aside.] She has some 
spirit, too. She's simply adorable. 

Mil<lred. [Entering l.] You wish to see me, madam, 1 am 
Miss Green. „. ,, 

Hebe. [Rises.] My name is Hebe Worthy. 

Jones. [Rises, aside.] Hebe! Lovely name. , . ^ , 

Hebe. Your physician happens to be the same one who is treat- 
ing my uncle, and on account of this I have called on you to 

request a favor. . . -, ^i . .1 o 

Mildred. [Pointing at Jones,] And this gentleman .'• 
Hebe. We are strangers, madam ^ . 

Jones. [Boiving.] Yes, unfortunately. We v/ere just begin- 
ning to get better acquainted when you interrupted us. My name 
is Jones. I am waiting to see Mr. Parker. 

Mildred. Oh. [To Hebe.] Will you, please, follow me? [Goes 
to door L. followed by Hebe.] 
Jones. [About to follow them.'] With pleasure. 



14 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Mildred. [Haughtily.] I did not mean you, sir. You'll prob* 
ably find Mr. Parker at his office. 

Jones. Pardon me, madam, but I've been there already twice 
this morning. '^ 

Mildred. Then you had better wait for him here. [Opens door 
L.; to Hebe.] If you please. [Hebe exit 1j. followed by Mildred.] 

Jones. [Bounng.] Good day, ladies! She's gone. Hebe! 

Adorable creature. An angel, a fairy; with principles. I must 
meet her again. She is going to a summer resort. But she didn't 
mention to which one. [Sees 'Parls.er, ivho enters I'oom. Inquir- 
ingly.] Mr. Parker, I presume? 

Fred. Yes, sir. You want to see me? 

Jones. Mr. Torrence advised me to wait for you here. 

Fred. Oh, I see. You are the young man introduced to us by 
Mr. Wallpole, of Joplin? 

Jones. Yes, sir. I am a distant relative of his, and being a 
total stranger in Chicago, he took the liberty to give me a sort of 
introduction to you. He said he would write to you in a few 
days. 

Fred. It will be a pleasure to me to oblige any relative of so 
old a business acquaintance as Mr. Wallpple. Unfortunately I 
am extremely busy just now, so if you will kindly state the 
amount [Takes out his pocketbook.] 

Jones. [Peiyle.red.] Mr. Parker, I think you 

Fred. [Interrupting him.] Come, don't be bashful! I'll 
square things again with Wallpole. 

Jones. Pardon me, Mr. Parker, but you seem to labor under 
some mistake. I haven't come to you for any financial aid. Do 
I appear to you like a beggar? 

Fred. [Somewliat confused.] Not at all, my dear sir. You 
really must excuse me. I meant no offence. My head is so full 
of other things, you see. My wife, for instance, is going away with 
her aunt to-day, and 

Jones. [Interrupting him; eagerly.] May I ask to which 
place she is going? 

Fred. Really, I haven't heard her mention the name, and it 
doesn't matter. But, excuse me, take a seat, please. Now tell me 
what can I do for you? 

Jones. I have come to Chicago with the ultimate intention of 
starting in business for myself. But in order to get located and 
acquainted, I would first like to find a position as clerk, corre- 
spondent or bookkeeper with some well established firm. I have 
had considerable experience in smaller towns, and the matter 
of salary is of a secondary consideration. 

Fred. So, you're looking for a position? In our line of busi- 
ness? Dry goods? 

Jones. No, sir! Drugs! 

Fred. That's fortunate. My brother-in-law, Owens, is head of 
the firm Owens, Kirk &. Co., wholesale druggists on Randophl 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 15 

street. I met him yesterday, and he told me he was looking for 
an experienced bookkeeper, who had some knowledge of drugs. 

Jones. [Sees a rosebud lying on the stage.] Ah, a rosebud! 
[Picks it iq)-] Some one must have dropped it. Just now I met 
a charming young lady here who 

Fred. [Taking the rosebud from Jones' hand.] Very much 
obliged! [Lays rosebud on table.] Now, I will give you my card. 
Here it is. I'll write the firm's name and address on the back of 
it. [ Writes on cai^d and hands it to Jones.] Insist on seeing Mr. 
Owens himself, tell him I sent you, and hand him my card. 
Explain to him that I w^ould have written him a note, but that I 
am very busy just now, on account of my wife going on a trip. I 
have no doubt but that you will suit my brother-in-law, and that 
you will make satisfactory terms with him. 

Jones. Thank you, Mr. Parker. I am in no particular hurry 
though. Before accepting a position, I intended to takea month's 
holiday, as I have been constantly employed for the last three 
years, and I thought a little travelling would do me good. May 
1 ask whether the ladies intend to go east or south? 

Fred. [Suspiciously.] How can this possibly concern, you, 
sir? 

Jones. You see, it doesn't matter to me which way I go, and 
perhaps I might be of service to them They could travel under 
my care and protection. 

Fred. [Looks at him in utter amazement.] 

Jones. [After a short pause.] I mean, that ladies who travel 
alone, often need some assistance, and 

Fred. [Interrupting him; frigidly.] Let me advise you to 

mind your own business, Mr. , I really do not remember your 

name. 

Jones. Jones, sir. Plain Jim Jones. 

Fred. Then allow me to wish you good day, Mr. Jones. [Goes 
towards r. Aside.] This beats anything in the way of plain 
American gall I have ever met. [Exit r.] 

Jones. [Politely.] Allow m:e once more to thank you, Mr. 
Parker. [Alone.] I don't care a rap where his ladies go to, but 
I must know how I can get on the track of my little Hebe! How 
to find out? Ah, I'll leave my gloves here. When I come back 
for them, somebody will surely give me the necessary information. 
[Takes off his gloves and places them on table r.] It's an old 
dodge, biit it always works. [Goes up stage towards cd. Enters 
Cora c, D. Aside.] Ah, my saviour. The walking encyclopaedia 
of domestic information. [To Cora.] 1 say, my dear, is Mrs. Parker 
very ill? 

Cora. Not that T know, sir! 

Jones. But she's going away to some summer resort? 

Cora. Rich people go thereto have fun, not for their health! 

Jones. To which place is, she going? 

Cora. I couldn't tell you sir. 



16 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 

Jones. You surely must have heard her mention the name. 
Just try and remember! 

Cora. I only heard of her going this morning, sir, and I'm 
certain I don't know where she is going. 

Jones. But you'll be able to find out. I am very anxious to 
know! Here, let me sharpen your seemingly extreme dullness of 
perception and memory, [Gives her a banknote.] Now, get me 
the information I am looking for! 

Cora. Thank you, sir! — I will. 

Jones. I suppose you don'i mind my taking this flower, do 
you? [Takes the rosebud from the table.] 

Cora. Not at all, sir! 

Jones. I'll call again after a short while, and if you can tell me 
the name of that place, [tops on the money in his j^ocket] your 
reward will be in due accordance with my appreciation and grati- 
tude. [Pats her on the cheek. Sees Fred coming from r.] I'll 
see you later on! [Exit quickly c. d.] 

Fred. [Entering from -r.] Who was that, Cora? 

Cora. [Confused.] Nobody, sir, that is, only the young 

gentleman who called on you., sir! He took a rosebud from the 
table! That's all, sir! 

Fred. [Annoyed.] What? He had the impudence? 

Cora. It was all withered anyhow, sir! 

Fred. [Angrily.] What else did he want of you? 

Cora, [Fjightened.] N-n-nothing much, sir! 

Fred. Come, come, no nonsense! Out with it! 

Cora. He only wanted to know what place Mrs. Parker was 
going to! 

Fred. Did you tell him? 

Cora. No, sir. I don't know it myself. [Aside.] I wonder 
what's come over them all to-day! [Exit l,.] 

Fred. It's beyond my comprehension! He can only have seen 
my wife for a single moment, and falls head over heels in love 
with her. The trouble is, she's too attractive! That's what they'll 
all find out at that confounded resort. They'll be paying com- 
pliments to her, and flattering her, and heaven knows, trying to 
flirt with her. It makes my blood boil when I think of it. 
[Walks up and doini in great excitement.] 

Torreuce. [Enters c. d.] Well, I've closed that deal with 
Maclaine, Watson ct Co! 

Fred. [Without jiaying attention to him, still moving about.] 
It won't do! It won't do! • 

Torrence. But you gave your sanction in the matter! 

Fred. I was too hasty, yes, it's pure nonsense! 

Torrence. It's an old and solid firm. 

Fred. [Stops ivalking.] Solid firm. What firm? 

Torrence. Maclaine, Watson & Co., of course. 

Fred. Ah, I'm talking of my wife!' 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 17 

Torreuce. [Drops into a chair in disgust.] Great Scott, what 
a business man! 

Fred. [Resuming his ivalking ; aside.] He must have known 
her previously, otherwise it's impossible. I must make sure of 
this. [Suddenly stojjping in front of Torrence.] Will, I am 
going to follow my wife tomorrow. 

Torrence. Are you going to make a laughing stock of your- 
self? 

Fred. No, sir. I have an idea. I'll go there disguised, so 
nobody will- know me. I'll be watching her without being recog- 
nized. Do you understand me? 

T.orreiice. [Firmly.] I do not. [Aside.] He's going daffy! 

Fred. It's all quite simple. I'll shave off my beard, dye my 
hair, put on a new suit of clothes, assume a false name, and there 
you are. Not a soul — not even my wife — will know me. I'll be 
there to protect her from insults, to shield her from impudence 
and annoyance. No fresh dude shall come within ten feet of 
her. 

Torrence. You'll have your hands full with those feet. 

Fred. Don't try to be funny! This is serious, most serious. 1 
will leave you a bunch of letters to her, which your will mail as 
if they came from me. That will make the deception complete. 

Torreuce. And what about our business ? 

Fred. It's safe in your hands. Some future day, when you 
are married I'll be able to repay you. 

Torrence. Heaven forbid! The example you are setting me is 
not at all enticing. 

Fred, Before I forget it, I must telephone to Owens and tell 
him to throw that loafer Jones out of his office when he calls. 
[Exit R.] 

Mildred. [Enters from i^. folloived by Hehe»] You may count 
on me. Miss Worthy, everything will be ready for your uncle when 
he arrives. 

Hebe. This is so kind of you, Miss Green. I hope you will 
pardon my presumptuous request, but my uncle insisted on my 
calling on you, and his illness makes him so irritable, that I was 
compelled to consent. 

Mildred. Don't mention it, my dear! You tell your uncle that 
he will find his rooms engaged, and in order when he gets there! 
[Shakes hands ivitli her.] I won't say good-bye as we will meet 
again in a couple of days. 

Hebe. Good-bye, Miss Green, till then — and allow me to thank 
you once more. [Boivs to Torrence and exit c. d.] 

Mildred. I cannot understand my niece at all any more, Mr. 
Torrence. She is going on a pleasure trip, and instead of feeling 
glad at the prospect, all she does is sighing, Sniffling and wiping 
her eyes. She is packing her trunk, and I'm afraid all her clothes 
will be damp, the way she goes on. 



18 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Torreuce. Yes, and Fred is tearing out his hair, and behaving 
him^^elf like a lunatic in general. 

Mildred. Well, you'll be here to console him. 

Torreuce. I'll do the best I can, but I'm afraid it's a hopeless 
case. But excuse me, I'll have to go back to the otiice. Allow me 
to wish you a pleasant trip I {Then shake hands.] 

Mildred. Thank you, Mr. Torrence, and good hye)\— [Exit 
Torreuce c. d. Enter Yiviaii l.., fulloived by Cora, icho drags on 
a wicker basket^ ivhich she places up stage c, in front of c. d.] 
So I'm glad to see you are ready ai last. [Cora exit l^ andreturns 
later on ivith hand-satchels, shawls and umbrellas, ichich she 
jDlaces on top of the basket. Yirian is furtively u-iping her eyes.] 
Now, Vivian, do have a little sense. Don't let Fred see what it 
costs you to leave him for a short while. Otherwise he'll think 
that you can't exist without him. 

Vivian. [Wiping her eyes.] Neither can I! 

Mildred. You only imagine so. A sensible woman should 
never show her weakness, or else she's lost. This short separation 
will lead to your ultimate happiness. 

Vivian. I know. Mr. Torrence told me the same thing. 
[With determination.] Yes, I must, I will be strong. [Resolutely 
wipes her eyes and puts away her handkerchief.] I've made up 
my mind. There!— [aSccs Fred who enters r., and commences to 
hum some popular air, in ivhich she is joined by Mildred who 
sings out of tune.] 

Fred. [Remains near door r., astonished. Aside.] She has 
the heart to sing at a time like this. [Aloud.] Well, I see you 
have finished your packing. 

Vivian. Yes, everything is quite ready. 

Fred. You seem to be in a dreadful hurry to leave, my dear. 

Mildred. [Goes to Fred and takes him aside in r. corner.] My 
dear Fred, don't make this leave taking more painful than you 
can help, or else your wife will think you are unable to live with- 
out her. 

Fred. No more can I. 

Mildred. Pure imagination! A man of common sense doesn't 
carry his heart on his sleeve. If he does, he's bound to be hen- 
pecked. 

Fred. I'll be master of my feelings all right!— I sw^ear it! 
[Lifts up his hand.] 

Mildred. [Pulls doivn his hand.] Don't! — We old maids don't 
take stock in masculine oaths. [To Vivian,] Now, I'll run over 
home, Vivy, and get ready myself. I'll be back directly. Please, 
don't quarrel again, while I am gone. [Exitc. d ] 

Vivian. Fred, how often do you want to hear from me? 

Fred. It's rather difficult to lay down rules in a question of 
that kind, but I should think as often as your own heart dictates 
you to write. 

Vivian. [Forgetting herself and affectionately.] Oh, then, I'll 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 19 

write you at least twice every d — [Recollecting herself.] Every 
week. 

Fred. [Coolly.] I guess that will do. 

Vivian. The way you talk — it seems to be a matter of absolute 
indifference to you. I commence to believe that it is somewhat 
of a relief to you, to be rid of me for some time. 

Fred, And I think it's the other way. 1 have never yet seen 
any one who seemed so anxious to finish packing and be gone. 

Vivian. Oh, that's aunt Mildred's doing. She hurried me so. 
But if you want me to, I'll tell her that we won't leave till to- 
morrow! 

Fred. [Mastering himself.] Oh, no, not at all! When once 
you've made up your mmd, it's always better to stick to the 
original plan. I'll get some body to carry your things down. 
[Goes toivards c. d.] 

Vivian. Fred! 

Fred. [Turning round.] Well? 

Vivian. You'll write often, won't you? 

Fred. Oh, yes every [Correcting himself.] Twice every 

week. [Exit c. d.] 

Vivian. [Sadly.] Well, I think I've kept it up bravely! 

C<»ra. [Who has entered previously., and has been arranging 
the different objects on top of the ivicker basket.] Do you intend 
to stay away long, ma'am? 

Vivian. Yes, Cora— four weeks. 

Cora. Then I hope Mr. Parker won't act like he did before. 

Vivian. [Frightened.] What do you mean Cora? When? 

Cora. When you went to visit your sick mother, and stayed 
away for two days. The master never touched a bite during the 
whole time. He said he had no appetite and couldn't eat without 
you! 

Vivian. [Gladly.] Really! Did he say that? 

Cora. If he's going to keep this up for four weeks he'll be 
turned into a skeleton, I'm afraid. 

Vivian. Mr. Torrence is going to take his meals here while 
I'm away, eo my husband will have company and won't feel so 
lonesome. Please, get your slate and write down the bill of fare 
for the rest of this week! 

Cora. Yes ma'am. [Exit l,.] 

Vivian. [Sadly:] Poor fellow! He couldn't eat without me! 
And see how I am treating him now. Oh, I am a bad, undutiful 
wife! — I deserve it that he sends me away from him. 

Cora. [Enters i.. ivith a slate, to tvhich is attached a small 
sjionge and a slate pencil. On entering she is cleaning the slate 
with the sjjonge.] All right ma'am! — I'm ready! 

Vivian. [Aside.] This has taken all my courage from me! 
[Aloud.] Well, for to-morrow, pea soup — he likes it rather thickj 

Cora. [Writing on the slate.] Yes, ma'am! 



20 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Vivian. Baked white fish, with butter sauce. French fried 
potatoes. 

Cora. [Sa7ne bus] Yes, ma'am. 

Vivian. Veal cutleta, breaded, with— [Qulping down a sob.]— 
ato sauce! [Begins softly to cry.] 

Cora. What liind of sauce ma'am? 

Vivian. Tomato sauce! [Wipes lier eyes.] 

Cora. [Sees that Vivian is iceeping, also tearfully.] Oh, ma'am, 
what's the use of your leaving us? 

Vivian. [Trying to restrain her tears.] Give me the slate, I'll 
write it down myself! [Takes the slate from Cora.] Please leave 
me alone now! 

Cora. [Weejnng and drying her tears ivith the corners of her 
apron. Aside.] I'm that soft-hearted I can't bear to see the 
Missus crying without wanting to keep her company. [Bursts 
out sobbing.] 

Mildred. [Enters c. d. with travelling hat, linen duster, large 
satchel, several bundles, boxess, packages, large umbrella, bird- 
cage, etc., and followed by Jones.] This way, sir! 

Vivian. [Rising, startled] A stranger? 

Mildred. This gentleman left his gloves here! 

Jones. Yes!— I beg a thousand pardons for the intrusion. Very 
stupid of me, of course. [Searches for his gloves.] Ah, there they 
are! [Picks them uj) from table r.] 

Mildred. [Aside to yi\\si\\,] I'm ashamed of you Vivian! How 
can you be so weak? 

Jones, [Aside to Cora.] Well, what's the name of the place? 

Cora. Wiping her eyes.] Oh, don't bother me! — I don't know! 
[Tiunis away from him.[ 

Jones, Then there's only one thing left for me to do. I'll wait 
down stairs and follow the ladies to the depot. 

Fred. [Enters c. d. sees Jones, and goes toivards him in a 
threatening manner.] Now, what in the devil's name are you 
doing here again? 

Jones. I'm sure, I beg your pardon! [Shows the gloves, ichich 
he is putting on.] I came for my gloves, which I accidentally left 
here this morning. 

Fred. Indeed? Have you called on Owens yet? 

Jones. No, sir, not yet! 

Fred. Then you'd better hurry. I telephoned him about you, 
and he's waiting for you! 

Jones, Very kind of you, I'm sure! 

Fred, [Angrily pmshing Jones up stage towards c. d.] Hurry 
ui)!— Don't keep him waitmg! 

Jones, [Lifting up one side of the basket.] Can I perhaps assist 
you in taking this basket down? 

Fred, [Lifting up the other side of the basket and pushing 
Jones, ivho reiaiiis hold of it, of the stage.] No, sir! 

Jones, [Offstage.] A pleasant trip, ladies! [During preced- 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 21 

ing dialogue 3Iildre(l has assisted Vivian in putting on her hat 
and cloak. Fred is tip stage behi^id the baslcet, which remains in 
view of the audience. Vivian r^ms toivards him. They embrace 
each other across the basket.] 

*Viviau. [Tearfully.] Good bye, dearest Fred! 

*Fred. [Sadly.] Good bye, my darling! 

^Mildred. [Pulling \\\\2i\\ by the arm.] Come along! Enough 
of this! 

*Cora. [Bursting out in tears.] This breaks my heart! 

[^Rapidly.] 

Picture— Quick Curtain. 



ACT II. 



Scene: Lawn in front of the Park Hotel in Waukesha. 
Hotel with veranda and stejjs l. Doum stage l,. an arbor ivith 
striped awnings over it. Small tables and garden chairs r. 
Garden drop. Wood icings and foliage borders. (Mi^i discovered 
arranging a breakfast on table in arbor l. Enter Police Ser- 
jeant Ripley r. 

Sergeant. Good morning, Otto! 

Otto. [SjJeaking icith strong German accent.] Ach, good 
morning, sergeant! It's a loffely morning already, don't it? [Con- 
tinues setting the table.] 

Serg'eant. How is things? Many guests arrived since yester- 
day? 

Otto. Oh, just so, so! Not so many as that! They don't come 
as vot dey used to so quick. Years ago dey come already one 
month before now! Und the waiter business ist ausgespielt, I bet 
you some! 

Serareant. I suppose you don't get as many tips as you used to, 
eh? 

Otto. Ach vot! Noddings like it! I joost as well work in a 
beergaiden in Meelvaukee, I dell you. When there is not peoples 
enough here, how can you oxpect to make tips? Und ven dey 
come, de gendelmans is so stingy as de teufel. Und de ladies are 
more vorse as de gentlemans yet. 



22 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Serjeant. Well, Otto, I tell you what you might do, if you 
don't want to be a waiter any more, — you'd better join the force! 

Otto, Me be a policeman, Sergeant? No, sir, thank you! Not 
so long as I vos strong enough to work, I bet you some. 

Serg'eant. [Going towards hotel -l,.] Ha-ha-ha! Good for you, 
dutchy. But I think I'll have a peep at ihe register, we're looking 
for a swell "con" from New York. He might be among last night's 
arrivals. [Exit in hotel l.^ 

Otto. Ach, vot, De policemens here never catch anydings 
already yet. Dey couldn't even catch de momps, of dey tried, I 
bet you. [Dr. Rogers enters r. u. e. and goes towards hotels 
ivhen Otto sees him.] Och, doctor, doctor! 

l)r. Rog-ers. Well, Otto, what is it? 

Otto. Dere's an old gentleman vot come last night in 53, und 
he vants you badlv, I bet you. 

Dr, Rogers. What seems to be the matter with him? 

Otto, I dunno, doctor, but I think it was a complicashun of all 
de diseases in the alphabet. A little consumpshun, some skeeatica, 
some lumbago, a little epiglottis und epizootic, und a bit of 
cholera morpus und minagitis, just to keep dings going. He vos 
ringing his bell every five minutes for hot water, cold water, 
icewater, Hunyade water, Silurian spring water, quinine pills, 
porous plasters, mustard foot-baths und all sorts of dings. He's 
tired out six bell boys since he come, und dey'll all go on a strike, 
of he keeps it up. He has asked after you about a dozen times 
already yet, doctor. 

Dr. Rogers. What's his name? 

Otto. Mr. Gr-r-rowler! 

Dr, Rogers. What's his business, do you know? 

Otto. Och, I dink nothing at all. More likely only just to be 
sick! Dot seems to keep him pretty busy! 

Dr. Rogers. Well — if he'll only follow my instructions faith- 
fully, I guess our climate and water will put him on his feet 
again. 

Otto. Yes, doctor — dis climate is very healthy for de feet! — Will 
you go up now already, und see him? 

Dr. Rogers. [Looking at his ivatch.] No, I'll have to go across 
to the park for a moment, but I'll be back in about ten minutes. 
You can tell Mr. Growler I'll see him then. [Exit r. u. e.] 

Otto. All right, doctor! — Now, dere's a man vot makes his 
money easy, I bet you some!— Och, of I vos a doctor I vouldn't be 
a waiter! 

[Enter Growler arid Hebe from hotel l,.] 

Hebe. See, uncle, how pretty it is out here! — And what a 
lovely place to take our breakfast! 

Growler. [A large shawl over his shoulders, grumbling.] Hm, 
may be!— There's plenty of air here, at least! — Inside it's stiffling 
enough to be smothered!— Of course they had to put us over the 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 23 

dining room! — And then they have the pretention to call this a 
tirst-class hotel! — Bah! 

Otto. [Making himself very officious.] Good morning, sir!-^ 
Good morning madam! Was dere any things I could already do 
for you? 

Growler, [Not paying any attention to Mm.] Then the smell 
of cooking in my bedroom! — It's very unhealthy! — I'm afraid I'll 
get worse instead of better here! — And the rooms are so infernally 
small!— Besides I never heard such a confounded continual racket 
as is going on in this place! — I couldn't sleep a wink all night! — 
And this morning between the clattering of dishes below and the 
hollering of chambermaids and children in the halls, it was enough 
to set one crazy! — Bah! 

Otto. Ah, Mr. Growler, but dere's a very fine view from your 
windows! 

Growler. [Turning angrily towards him.] Fine view, sir? — 
Fine view? — Will that give me back my health? — Will it, sir? — I 
came here for pure air, and plenty of it— and rest — and quiet! — 
That's what I'm paying for, sir! — Do I get it, eh? — Answer me 
that, sir!— Bah! 

Hebe. [Trying to pacify him.] Now, uncle, don't excite your- 
self ! — You know it's bad for you! — Where would you like to have 
our breakfast served? 

Growler. Wherever there is no draught, of course! [Pointing 
to arbor l.] That seems a fairly suitable place over there! — Bring 
us our breakfast, waiter, quick! — I've left the order with the clerk. 
— Hurry up!— [Goes toicards l.] 

Otto. Yes, sir! — But excuse me, sir, would you please take 
some other table!— Dat one vos reserved for Miss Green of No. 34! 
[Exit quickly in hotel l.] 

Growler. Reserved? — Are the seats reserved here like in a 
theatre? — Bah, nonsense! — I'll sit here and nowhere else! — First 
come, first served. [Sits down at table in arbor l.] Here I am, 
and here I'll, stay! 

Hebe. Maybe Miss Green will not object to our company. — 
That's the lady, uncle, who was so kind as to order our rooms 
ahead for us. 

Growler. [Jumping up.] The devil!— I don't want to tpeet 
her! — Let's getaway from here as far as we can! [Grumbling.] 
Of course, she had to choose the only place that's somewhat 
protected! — Bah! [Goes toicards r.] 

Hebe. [Following him.] There are plenty of other nice places, 
uncle. 

Growler. But they're not covered! — Suppose it should com- 
mence to rain? [Sits down k.] 

Hebe. There's not a cloud in the sky, uncle, and it's not at all 
likely that it will rain! 

Growler. Yes — I know these summer resorts! — It's always the 



24 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

iirexpected that happens! [Brivging his Jiavds to his head.] 
There's a draught here! — Did you bring my muffler? 

Hebe. Yes— here it is, uncle! [Gives Jiivi a large muffler.] I 
can't feel a breath of air. 

Growler. [Wiiidivg the mvffler rottnd Ms neiJi.] Of course 
not.— Your senses are not as finely developed as mine! — Unless 
her hat blows off a woman never feels a draught! 

Otto. [Entering from hotel l.] Ah, you vish to sit here? — All 
right, sir! [Spreads a ivhite tablecloth over table in front of 
Orowler.] You will find this also a very loffely place, sir. — I bet 
you! 

Growler. My feet are getting cold!— [Fee?s the ground with 
his hand.] I think the ground is damp! ^ 

Otto. Oh, no, sir! — It's as dry as anydings! 

Growler. Nonsense! — Bah! — It's, of course, full of spring 
moisture and dew! — I might as well sit in a marsh! [Places his 
feet on one of the 7'ungs of his chair.] 

Hel)e. Wait a minute, uncle! — I'll get you a footstool! [Exit 
in hotel l.] 

Otto. I never heerd anyone gomplain of damp here before, sir, 
— I bet you some! [Keeps on spreading the tablecloth, taking i^ 
up, shaking it, turning it, and pidling it straight, etc. 

Growler. Because they were a lot of fools! — [Grabbing his 
head again.] This draught is something terrible! [Suddenly and 
anginly.] Say, — w^ill you stop monkeying with that confounded 
tablecloth ! It makes me nervous ! 

Otto. Oh, yes, sir! — All right, sir! 

Hebe. [Entering from hotel l. with footstool.] Here you are, 
uncle ! — [Places footstool under his feet.] 

Growler. [Someivhat kinder.] Thankyou,my dear! [To Otto.] 
Bring me a cover for my knees! 

Otto. Yes, sir! All right, sir. [Exit in hotel i^.] 

Hebe. You don't seem to be in [good humor to-day, uncle. 
But after w^e get acquainted with some of the other guests here, 
you'll have more distraction. 

Growler. I don't care for any distraction, and I don't wish to 
get acquainted with anyone here! — You'll oblige me, Hebe, by 
forming no acquaintances whatever while here, — do you under- 
stand? Absolutely none! 

Hebe. Very well, uncle, — but it would seem very impolite if we 
didn't thank the ladies who ordered our rooms for us. 

Growler. You can attend to that,— -I don't w^ant to meet them. 
— If I did I would probably have to dance attendance upon them, 
and carry their shawls, parasols, fans or such things! — If it should 
rain, they would use my umbrella, and leave me to get wet!— No, 
I know all about those things! — Is that waiter never coming back 
with a rug? — I'm almost freezing! 

Hebe. [Rises.] I'll go after it, uncle. 

Growler. No,— never mind! [Bises.] I'll take a little exercise, 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 25 

— I'm getting stiff sitting here! — How can anyone possibly expect 
to get his health in a hole like this! [Exit grumbling r. u. e.] 

Hebe. [Sadly.] This is rather a gloomy prospect,— not to be 
allowed to speak to any one! 

Otto. [Entering from hotel l.] Here vos de cover already! 

Hebe. Put it on this chair! — My uncle will be back directly ! 
[Goes up stage.] 

Otto. All right, madam. — I will bring your breakfast now! 
[Goes towards l. and is met by Jones, ivho comes from the hotel.] 

Jones. Say, waiter, — I am expecting an elderly, sickly gentle- 
man, attended by a young lady; — let me know immediately when 
they arrive! 

Otto. They have arrived last night already, sir! 

Jones. Where can I find them? 

Otto. The old gentleman is gone for a valk, I dink, — und the 
young lady is dere! [Points over his shoulder with his thumb 
toivards Hebe.] 

Jones. By jove, — so she is! — All right Hans, — scoot! 

Otto. Oxcuse me, sir, — but my name vos not Hans Scoot, — it 
vos Otto! [Exit in a moch dignified manner in hotel l.] 

Jones. [Approaching Hebe ivho has been looking off stage, and 
has not seen him.] Allow me to wish you a good morning, 
miss! 

Hebe. [Turns rou7id, astonished, boivirig.] Good morning, sir! 

Jones. You probably do not remember me? 

Hebe. Oh, yes, sir, — your names is Jones! — I am surprised to 
see you here! 

Jones. Yes, so am I ! 

Hebe. Are you here for your health? 

Jones. No,— not exactly! Will you permit me to tell you 

what brought me here? 

Hebe. If you like! 

Jones. I am here, — because I wished to follow you! 

Hebe. [Astonished.] Follow me, sir! 

Jones. Exactly !— I wanted to meet you again ! — Probably you'll 
call my conduct impudent and obtrusive,— I can not help it! 
I hope at least that you will believe me sincere! 

Hebe. I do not understand you, sir! 

Jones. Nor do I understand it myself !— Nobody could possibly 
find it more incomprehensible than I do!— Although I tried every 
means in my power to discover day before yesterday which par- 
ticular watering place you were going to visit, I wns unsuccessful, 
and all I could do was to follow Mrs. Parker and her aunt.— The 
aunt bought the tickets,— I stood behind her, but could not hear 
what destination she got them for, — so after she had finished, I 
stepped up to the ticket-window and asked for a ticket to the 
same place! I got it, and found that they were going to Wau- 
-kesha! — I stepped on board the train after them, — and here I am, 
without any baggage — not even a satchel, — and, as I had barely 



26 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

money enough in my pocket at the time for my ticket, — without 
money! -What do you think of it? 

Hebe. I thmk, sir, that you have acted very foolishly! 

Jones. Exactly my opinion!— Still the saving goes that it is 
always a wise plan to follow one's first impulse! 

Hebe. That's what somnambulists do, and yet many of them 
make a misstep and are dashed to pieces! 

Jones. [Beseechingly.] Ah, — but you will not allow me to be 
dashed, will you?— Besides, I am fully awake, — the sun shines 
brightly, — and I see you standing before me!— It is no dream, but 
Bvveet reality! — I am sure that I am here to find my life's happi- 



Hebe. Mr. Jones, — you must think me very innocent, if you 
believe that all this talk makes any impression on me! 

Jones. I believe you to be a most sensible little lady. Just 
think of it, — I really do not even know whether you are a blonde 
or a brunette! 

Hebe, I am sorry that your eyesight is so bad! 

Jones. I do not know whether you are eighteen or forty years 
old! 

Hebe. Thanks! — "iou are very complimentary! 

Jones. All I know is that you are different from other women, 
that you are exercising an irresistible influence over me! — And it 
is exactly because I take you to be so sensible, that I am telling 
you all this! 

Hebe. [Sarcastically.] That's very kind of you! — But will you 
please inform me what your purpose is with all these flattering 
comments! 

Jones. They are no flatteries, — I am merely stating facts!— My 
purpose is that you should be aw^are of them, and my only hope 
— that you should wish to know me better! — That is all! — But 
in the first place, it is necessary that I should make your uncle's 
acquaintance! — I would consider it a favor if you will give me an 
introduction to him! 

Hebe. I am sorry, but that is absolutely impossible! — He has 
positively forbidden me to make him acquainted with any of the 
other guests! The state of his health has made him very irritable, 
and I cannot act contrary to his wishes. 

Jones. 1 wouldn't like you to incur his displeasure for anything 
in the w^orld! — I'll introduce myself to him! 

Hebe. You will find it no easy matter! 

Jones. When I've made up my mind to do a thing, I generally 
succeed! — I am somewhatof a student of human nature, and know 
that everybody has some weak point.— Can you tell me what is 
you uncle's favorite topic? 

Hebe. He prefers to talk about his health and the different 
cures he is taking. 

Jones. Splendid subject of conversation! I suppose everybody 
here talks about it! — I will succeed, — I am sure! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 27 

Hebe. Only do nob let him suspect that we are acquainted! — 
There he comes from the Park now! 

Jones. But you do not mind my introducino: myself? [Hebe 
shakes her head.] That's enough! — Thanks! [Hebe goes to meet 
Growler and exit r. u. e.] 

Otto. [Enters loith breakfast tray from hotel l. To Jones,] 
The clerk vants to know of he shall send for your trunk from the 
depot, sir! 

Jones, No, — I came without baggage ! 

Otto. Oh, you don't come for your health, sir? Only tr-rans- 
ient, eh? 

Jones. Not exactly,— I intend to stay here for some time!— My 
baggage will come later on! 

Otto. [Looking at him suspiciously.] Ach, so! [Aside.] No 
trunk and no satchel, eh? — I'll have to tell the clerk!— [Peaces the 
breakfast on table r.— Jones exits in hotel 1j,— Enter (growler 
and Hebe r. u. e.] 

Growler. Hebe, I believe the air here is doing me good! — My 
head seems clearer, and I've had an excellent idea! 

Hebe. Really, uncle!— I'm so glad!— And what is the idea? 

Otto. Your tjr-reakfast is ready, sir! 

Growler. [Brusquely.] Do you think I'm blind? — You needn't 
wait! 

Otto. [Feeling himself insulted, aside.] Dot sour-faced hyena ! 
— I'll get even with him, I bet you some! [Exit in hotel l. icith 
mock dignity.] 

Growler. [Mysteriously.] I've discovered a way to find out 
what is really the matter with me! [They sit doum at table r. and 
commence to eat.] 

Hebe. Oh, uncle, dear, — that would be such a relief! 

Growler. [Taking a letter from his x)Ocket.] Look at thi si- 
lt's a letter written by my doctor in Chicago to Dr. Rogers of the 
sanitorium here in regard to the state of my health and his treat- 
ment of me. — Doctors will never tell their patients what their ail- 
ments are, but they'll discuss the matter with each other, of 
course. — All I'll have to do is to open this letter, and find the 
information I want! 

Hebe. But, uncle, — you surely wouldn't do this? 

Growler. And why not? 

Hebe. I think you had better not. 

Growler. You see, — you are afraid to know the worst!— But I 
prefer to know it rather than be left in all this uncertainty!— I 
may never have a chnnce like this again! — I'll have a cup of coffee 
first^—it will steady my nerves! [^^^^h^has served the coffee, ichich 
he drinks.] So! [Tears open the envelope and unfolds the letter.] 
Now for it! 

Hebe. [Placing her hand on his arm to restrain him from 
reading the letter.] Uncle, it may excite you too much! 

Growler. It excites me a good deal more not to know what is 



28 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

the matter with me! — To be or not to be, — that is the question! 
[Reads.] " Dear sir and colleague! — This will be handed to you 
by an incurable patient!" [Frightened.] What? 

Hebe. Oh, uncle, — that's preposterous! — You are not so sick as 
all that! 

Growler. [Dejectedly and feebly.] I've always suspected it! — 
I've felt it! — Incurable!— My head whirls, — I can read no further! 
[Dro2)s the letter on the ground.] 

Hebe. [Picks up the letter.] How could that man write such 
nonsense? [Reads.] Why, uncle, you should have read farther, 
— this isn't so bad as you think! 

Growler. Not so bad? — How could it possibly be worse? 

Hebe. Listen to this! — [Reads as if continuing,] — "incurable 
patient." 

Growler. But why am I incurable? 

Hebe. [Reading.] " He belongs to the category" — 

Growler. Now it's coming! 

Hebe. [Reading.] " Of indefatigable self-observers, and 
through the study of medical works has developed into an 
imaginary chronic sufferer. In reality he is in perfect health." 

Growler. What's that? 

Hebe. [Repeating ] " In reality he is in perfect health." Read 
it yourself, unclel [Holding out the letter toivards him.] 

Growler. [Pushing it aivay ; — angrily.] And that is what 
that numskull dares to write? — I — in perfect health? 

Hebe. Why, uncle, — you ought to be glad to hear this! 

Growler. Then you believe what that fool writes? 

Hebe. [Continuing to read.] "If he insists on being ill, pre- 
scribe harmless remedies, as I have done, and — as he is wealthy — 
keep him under your care as long as possible! — Fraternally and 
very sincerely yours, A. Kellum, M. D.!" 

Grow^ler. [Furiously.] This is simply monstrous, — unheard 
of! [Rises.] To say that I am in perfect health! — I think 1 ought 
to know better myself! — Kellum should be sent to an insane 
asylum! 

Hebe. But suppose he should be right, uncle! 

Growler. Are you going crazy too? Do you imagine I don't 
know how I'm feeling myself? [Taking the letter and tearing it 
up.] Bah, — the dolt, — the ignoramus, — the quack!— He's been 
obtaining money under false pretenses! — The blood is rushing to 
my head! — I can hear my heart beat! All my nerves are quiver- 
ing !— Go, Hebe, — go quickly, — and get me a dose of bromo- 
seltzer! 

Hebe. Yes, uncle, — at once! [About to exit l.] 

Growler. [Calling her back.] Hold on! — Wait a second! — 
Bromo-seltzer alone won't be sufficient! — Get that medicine chest 
out of my trunk! — I'll mix a nerve tonic myself! 

Hebe. All right, uncle! [Exit quickly in hotel l.] 

Growler. [Calling after her.] And order some chopped ice! — 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 29 

What a lucky thing I read that letter! — The doctor here would 
never have believed that I am ill, if he had seen it! — I'm getting 
so hot, — I wonder if I am dressed too warmly! — [Takes off his 
muffler.] I had better take a little rest here before going inside! 
[Sits dozen r.] 

Otto. [Entering from hotel l,.] You vish to-day's morning 
paper, sir? All the latest news! 

Growler. [Grumbling.] Do you think I want to read last 
week's papers with the stale news? Give it here! [Takes imper 
from Otto.] 

Otto. Can I take the br-reakfast dings away? 

Growler. You can, if you're strong enough to carry them! — 
[Suddenly.] See here, waiter, do I look like a man who is very 
ill? 

Otto. [Looking at him critically loith the tray in his hands.] 
You don't look at all well, sir! — But you'll get over it, if you stay 
here long enough! [Growler holds out a dollar toivards Otto, 
ivho places tixiy on table and pockets the money.] Very much 
obliged to you, sir! — If dere's anything you vant, just call Otto, 
sir! — That's me! [Picks up tray and goes toivards l. [Aside.] 
He likes to be told that he don't look well!— Next time he asks me 
how he looks, I'll tell him he's dying, und dat vill teeckle him to 
death, I bet you some! [Exit in hotel l.] 

Growler. [Opening the paper, looking after Otto.] Notwith- 
standing his Teutonic brogue, that fellow seems to have some 
intelligence! — Hm! — Probably been an oflBcer in the German 
army. [Commences to read the X)aper.] 

Jones. [Enters from hotel 1.. Remains on steps.] He is alone! 
— Now is my chance! [Coming down to Growler.] Do you mind 
my taking this seat, sir? 

Growler. [Grumbling ; turning his back tawards him.] It's 
none of my business! 

Jones. [Aside.] Rather discouraging beginning, — but I won't 
give in so easily! [After a short pause.] Do you object to my 
lighting a cigarette, sir? 

Growler. [As before.] There's no law here against the smoke 
nuisance. 

Jones, [Lighting a cigarette.] 1 only smoke very mild Turkish 
cigarettes, — imported ones! — I detest the cheap domestic article! — 
Would you like to try one of these, sir? [Offers him his cigarette 
case, and blows a mouthfid of smoke toivards him.] 

Growler. No, sir! — I want to preserve w^hat little intellect 
nature has favored me with! [Coughs.] Hm!— hm! [Rises.] 
There's a draught here! [Goes to l. and sits down at another 
table.] 

Jones. [Rises also.] Yes, — I believe you are right, sir! — I also 
thought I felt it. — One should always be careful of one's health! 
[Sits down again near Growler.] 

Growler. [Aside.] He sticks like a porous plaster! 



30 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Jones, Are you affected with rheumatism, sir, — if I may ask? 

Growler. If that were all ! 

Jones. According to the latest medical researches, it is claimed 
that rheumatism has its origin in an unhealthy condition of the 
liver, and from your appearance I should judge that your liver is 
not in its normal condition. — That's why I asked you! [Short 
pause.] They say Hot Springs is very good for rheumatic 
symjitoms! 

Growler. [Surly, continuing to read the paper.] I've been 
there! 

Jones. Even better than West Baden! 

Growler. I've been there! 

Jones. Others prefer Saratoga! 

Growler. I've been there! 

Jones. Or the hot springs of Pasadena in California! 

Growler. I've been there! 

Jones. It is very interesting to hear that you have visited all 
these resorts, but still more interesting to become personally 
acquainted with you, sir! — We shall probably be thrown a great 
deal in each other's company during our stay here, and I should 
like very much to profit by your experience! — Will you allow me 
to introduce myself? 

Growler. [Waving him off.] No, sir! 

Jones. My name is— 

Growler, [Interrupting him.] No, sir! — No, sir! — I don't care 
what your name is! — I don't wish to make your acquaintance, nor 
any one else's! — I have enough to do to attend to my own troubles! 
[Tarns his back totvards him.] 

Jones. In that case, I beg your pardon ! — I hope you will excuse 
my intrusion! 

Growler. Don't mention it! 

Jones. [Rises and moves ton. Aside.] Unapproachable as a 
bear, and hermetically sealed like a torpedo. [Stands r, ivatching 
Growler, 2vho first seems absorbed in the reading of his news- 
paper, then gradually turns toward'^ r., sloivly lowers the j)aper 
and peeps over the edge of it towards Jones. Tlieir eyes meet, 
and Growler quickly raises the 2iaper again.] Excuse me, — I'll 
no longer intrude upon you, sir! [Goes up) stage. — Dr. Rogers 
entei^ r. u. e. and simidtaneously Otto /rom hotel l. They meet 
in c. of stage.] 

Otto. Och, doctor, — here you vos at last! — There is dot old 
gendleman, Mr. Gr-rowler, who vonted to see you so badly! 
[■Points towards Growler doum stage l.] 

Dr. Rog"ers. All right Otto! [Aj^j^roaches Growler ivho has 
turned his back again towards r, and is reading his paper.] 
Good morniug, sir!— Let me introduce myself! — I am 

Growler. [Jumping up, angrily.] Ten thousand devils!— This 
is getting too much! — Can't a man find a moment's rest here? — I 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 31 

don't wish to make anybody's acquaintance in this place! — Is that 
plain enough, sir? 

Dr. Rog-ers. [Smiling.] Perfectly, sir, — but I am ■ 

(xrowlei*. I doa't care a continental who you are, sir! — It seems 
that the only occupation the people here have, is to introduce 
hemselves! 

Otto. But oxcuse me, Mr. Gr-rowler, dis is Dr. Rogers, whom 
ydu vonted to see so badly already dis morning so early! 

Growler. Then why didn't you say so at once, you idiot? 
[Very politely to Dr. Rog-ers.] I hope you will pardon my abrupt- 
ness, my dear doctor! [They shake hands.] I have been annoyed 

just now by a very obtrusive young man, who persisted 

[Sees Joues upstage.] Oh, there he is still! 

Jones. Go ahead, sir, — don't mind me!— My feelings are iron- 
clad and bullet proof. [Exit slowly l. u. e.] 

Growler. [Not deigning to notice Joues any further.] So you 
see, doctor, — my nerves are somewhat upset! — Besides I have had 
other things to vex me this morning! — When a man is almost 
continually suffering from one ailment or another, like myself, he 
should be pardoned for not always being in a pleasant and con- 
genial humor! 

Dr. Rogers. Certainlj^ — certainly, my dear sir!— As a medical 
man I can fully sympathise with you? — But kindly explain to me 
what seem to be your principal symptoms! 

Growler. That's not a very easy thing to do, doctor! My 
entire system seems to be undermined! My appetite is very poor 
and my digestion worse! — Before taking the train in Chicago 
yesterday I had for dinner only a plate of turtle soup, some fried 
fish, a hamburger steak with onions, an omelet with ham, a veal 
cutlet with potato salad, some Roquefort cheese, a couple of pieces 
of apple pie, and three, or maybe four cups of coffee, and a plate 
of ice cream!— Would you believe it that on the train, and after 
my arrival here, I had a most alarming feeling of oppression, as if 
there w^as a heavy weifjht upon me? 

Dr. Rogers. Yes,— I can understand that! 

Growler. And then my liver doesn't seem to be in proper 
order, — and my heart goes either too slow or too fast! 

Dr. Rog-ers. Any othpr symptoms? 

Growler. Don't you think, doctor, those are about enough? 

Dr. Rog-ers. Well, I have no doubt that with proper care, a 
punctual attention to our orders and prescriptions, and the 
systematic use of Silurian water, we will make a new man out of 
you, Mr. Growler! 

Growler. I hope so, doctor!— But first of all, I would like you 
to make a careful and thorough examination of my entire 
sy stent! 

Dr. Rogers. Very well, sir!- We will do so now, if you like! 
[Points toivards the hotel ] Let us go to your room! 

Growler. Yes, let us go at once! [They go toivards hotel l,] I 



32 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

want you also to use your stethoscope, doctor! 

I)r/Rog-ers. Of course, sir,— of course! [Exeunt Growler and 
Dr. Rog-ers in hotel l. During the j^revious scene Mildred and 
Vivian, with an open letter in her hand, have entered from hotel 
L.., and have been ushered hfj Otto to seats in the arbor l.. Tiviaii 
is reading the letter. Otto exit in hotel l.] 

Mildred. Why, Vivian,— that's the third time you are reading 
that letter! 

Vivian. I think it was so nice of Fred to write me the same 
day we left! 

Mildred. That's no reason you should try to commit his letter 
to memory! 

Vivian. There would be no harm in it if I did, aunt! 

Mildred. Yes, there would be! 

Vivian. Poor, boy, — this is the second day he has had to eat 
his breakfast all alone! [Pensively. ~\ I wonder how he is getting 
along! 

Mildred. He is probably commencing to long for you, — and it 
will be a good thing for him, if he does! 

Vivian. But I am longing for him just as much! 

Mildred. I took you along w^ith me to have a cheerful com- 
panion, — not to hear your lamentations about your Fred from 
morning till night! — For heaven's sake, Vivian, — do let up on him 
for a little while!— ^If you v/ere with him now, you would probably 
be quarreling again! — I am going to take you for a drive to 
Pewaukee Lake after breakfast! — That may put you in a better 
humor! [Short pause. ~\ Did you hear what I was saying, Vivian? 

Vivian. [Absent mindedly.] Yes, auntie, — I did! 

Mildred. Perhaps Mr. Jones w^ould like to accompany us. He 
seems to be a perfect gentleman! — How polite, obliging and cour- 
teous he was on the train! 

Vivian. [As before.] Yes auntie! 

[Enter Fred, clean shaven, with a curly blonde wig, in a light 
summer suit, carrying a large satchel and an ulster, n. u. e. — 
Jones re-enters l. u. e.] 

Fred. Here we are! [Calling.] I say, waiter! 

Vivian. [Nervously grabbing Mildred's arm.] Oh, — aunt 
Mildred! 

Mildred. [Startled.] What's the matter with you, Vivian? 

Vivian. That sounded like Fred's voice! 

Mildred. [Coolly,] You seem to have Fred on the brain! 

Otto. [Who has entered from hotel, and has been conversing 
with Fred, and taken the satchel and. coat.] Yes, sir!— This way 
to the office, sir! [Exeunt Fred and Otto in hotel l,.] 

Vivian. No, aunt, — I am sure, it was exactly like his voice! 
[Rises and steps from arbor to r., to see ivho the speaker is, and 
meets Jones, icho has come down stage.] 

Jones. [Bowing and taking off his hat.] Ah, good morning, 
Mrs. Parker! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 33 

Viyiau. Good morning, Mr. Jones ! — Did you Bee the gentleman 
who just entered the hotel? 

Joues, Yes, madam, — I did. 

Vivian. Did you know him? 

Jones, No! 

Vivian. Then it wasn't my husband! 

Jones. [Astonished.] Your husband? [Both have gone to l. 
and have arrived near the arhor.] 

Mildred. My niece is having day dreams, Mr. Jones. 

Vivian, [To Jones.] Didn't his voice sound like my husband's 
to you, Mr. Jones? 

Jones, If you wish it, I'll go to the office and find out from the 
clerk who the gentleman is! 

Mildred. If you will be so kind sir!— My niece's mind won't be 
at rest till she's found out the absurdity of her imagination! 
[Jones, exit in hotel z..] You are so entirely wrapped up in your 
husband, Vivian, that I'm afraid yours is a hopeless case!— He'll 
boss you, as long as you live! — I'd like to see the man who could 
play the tyrant over me, if I were married! 

Vivian. If you were married, auntie, — you might love your 
husband just as much as I do mine! 

Mildred. I might, — or I might not! — That would depend on 
circumstances! — But if I did, I would certainly not make a holy 
show of myself on account of it, like you do! — The idea of Fred 
being here! — Now what could possibly make him leave his busi- 
ness in Chicago, and come here on a fool's errand? 

Vivian. Simply his love for me, auntie! 

Mildred. Say rather his jealousy, and his fear of your flirting 
with some one else! 

Vivian. Oh, aunt Mildred, — how absurd! — How could he 
possibly get such a foolish idea into his head? 

Mildred. Oh, I don't know! — There's nothing absurd about it! 
— Only the other day when we were alone, he remarked that you 
were rather prettier than he cared to have you, as it attracted the 
attention of so many other men ! 

Vivian. He said that? — Then he mistrusts me! — I think that's 
an insult to me! 

Jones. [Entering from hotel l..] That gentleman's name is 
Harrison, — Mrs. Parker! — Gerald Harrison, artist, from Mil- 
waukee! 

Mildred. [To Vivian.] I hope you're satisfied now! 

Vivian. [Somewhat disappointed.] Thank you, Mr. Jones! 

Jones. [Looking towards hotel.] Ah, here he comes now!— 
Excuse me, ladies, — I have a letter to write which I w^ant to send 
by thp next train! — If there is anything I can do for you, please 
send to my room, and I will be at your service! [The ladies nod 
to him, he bows to them and goes up (>tage to l. towards hotel. On 
the steps he meets Fred, loho enters fromhotel. hi passing him.] 
Good morning, sir! [Exit in hotel l,.] 



34 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Fred. [Coming down the stepa.] Good morning! [Aside.] He 
didn't recognize me!— Good! [Goes to arbor l. and sees the ladies 
inside] Oh,— excuse me, ladies! [Aside.] Now to be on my 
guard! [Goes to r. sits doivn at a table, arid takes out a 7ieivs- 
paper.] 

Vivian. [Softly to Mildred.] Aunt,— it is Fred,— I'm sure!— 
It's his walk exactly! 

Mildred. Nonsense!— Fred has a full beard! 

Vivian. He has shaved it off!— Only — I have never seen him 
wear a suit like that! 

Mildred, That he could easily have bought! — But it's an easy 
matter to lind out whether it is Fred or not! [Rises.] Just watch 
him! [Goes to c. and tiums up stage, calling :] Fred! 

Fred. [Holding the neivspaper in front of him;— aside.] Yes, 
go ahead! — Holler your lungs out, you old catamaran! 

Mildred. [Louder.] Fred!— Fred! 

Fred. [Still louder.] Oh, Fred! [To Mildred.] You want a 
waiter, madam? 

Mildred. . No, thank you sir! 

Fred. Excuse me, madam! [Staves at Mildred with wide open 
eyes.] 

Mildred. [Returning to the arbor l. Aside.] I really believe 

it is Fred! — The way he stared at me reminds me of the malicions 

"glances he honors me with when at home! [To Vivian.] Vivy, 

— you were right! It is he! [Sits down again.] Oh, just you 

wait, Mr. Fred! 

(irrowler, [Entering, from hotel l. accompanied by Hebe.] 
Now, Hebe, — try and remember all the doctor's orders! — At eight 
in the morning — three glasses of spring water, — then one hour's 
walk! 

Hebe. Then your breakfast, — very light! 

Growler. Hm! — Did he say so? 

Hebe. Oh, yes, — uncle! — I'm sure! 

Growler. Well, at eleven more water, and a hot bath, followed 
by a cold shower! 

Hebe. Then you'll have to lie down for an hour before youi 
lunch,— also light! 

Growler. Hm,— yes!— I suppose so!— Then after lunch he'll 
give me electric treatment!— Before retiring — a sponge bath!— 
Now — there's a doctor who understands his profession! — He keeps 
me busy pretty near all day, but I may expect some results from 
his treatment! 

Hebe. [Motioning towards arbor l,.] Uncle,— there is Miss 
Green and her niece! Won't you speak to them and thank them 
for their kindness? 

Growler. No, — no!— That medical examination has worn me 
out! — Vou can do so later on! — I am in need of some rest now! 
[Sits doivn r. at a table behind Fred.] Come, sit down here! 
[Hebe sits down beside him. Enter Jones from hotel l.] Don't 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 35 

turn round just now, Hebe, — but there's that officious individual, 
of whom I had such trouble to get rid a little while ago! 

Hebe. [Slowly turning round and looking over her shoulder 
towards Jones ivho is approaching the arbor l,.] Ah. is that he? 

Jones. [To Mildred a/id Vivian.] So, — my correspondence is 
finished! — Will the ladies permit me to keep them company? [The 
ladies smile and nod. Jones takes a seat beside Vivian.] 

Fred. [Watching them behind his newspaper : — aside.] They 
seem on a rather familiar footing! [Grunting.] Hm! — it didn't 
take them long! 

Mildred. [Rising.] I hope you'll excuse me for a little while, 
Mr. Jones, — but I have an appointment with Dr. Rogers! — After 
I get through with him, we'll take our drive, Vivian! [Smiles and 
nods to Jones, throws an inquisitive glance towards Fred, and 
exit in hotel l..] 

Fred. [Aside.] The old fool — to leave those two alone! 

Jones. My dear Mrs. Parker, — I am glad to find an opportun- 
ity to see you alone for a moment! — I have something on my mind, 
and would like to explain to you why I have followed you here. 

Vivian. You followed me? — I thought you came here for your 
health! 

Jones. To be candid with you — there is no health resort in 
existence, which could cure my malady! 

Vivian. [Astonished.] Ah! 

Jones. Since I called at your house, day before yesterday, — I 
am suffering here! [Points at his heart.] 

Fred. [Who has caught his ivords; — aside.] I'll kill that 
impudent scoundrel! 

Jones. [Softly to Vivian.) I am in love, — head over heels in 
love — [Pointing stealthily towards Hebe,] with that little lady 
over there! — Will you assist me in furthering my suit? 

Fred. [Eagerly listening; — aside.] >I can't hear a word any- 
more of what he's saying, confound it! 

Vivian. [Watching Yv^d;— aside.] How he is watching ub! — 
Ah, — I've found a way to get absolute assurance of his identity! 

Jones. May I count on your assistance, Mrs. Parker? 

Vivian. Yes,— I'll aid you to the best of my ability.— on one 
condition! 

Jones. State anything in my power! 

Vivian. [Bending toivards Jones, — softly.] I want you to find 
out if that gentleman's name is really Harrison! 

Fred. [ Watching them.] They're getting still more familiar! 
— I can't stand this much longer! 

Jones. Shall I go and ask him? 

Vivia-J. Oh, no!— All I want is to have a look at the initials on 
that handkerchief in his breast pocket! 

Jones, rhen you want me to [Makes a gesture indicating 

a pickpocket.] 

Vivian. That's it exactly! 



38 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Joues. It's a little risky,— but I'll do it for her sakel [Looks 
towards Fred.] 

Fred. [Aside.] It seems they would like to have me out of the 
way! 

Jones. Well,— nothing risked— nothing gained!— Luckily I am 
pretty good at sleight-of-hand tricks! [Rises and approaches 
YredfWho hides himself behind his neivspaper,and turns his back 
towards him.] Sir, — my name is Jones! 

Fred. [Surly.] Mine is Harrison! 

Jones. I see you are reading the Record; — would you mind 
letting me have a look at it, after you get through with it? 

Fred. Not at all, sir! [Beckons Jones to be7id over him; — softly.] 
The face of that lady at your table seems familiar to me! — Would 
you be kind enough to tell me her name? 

Jones. [While bending over Fred is gradually pulling his 
handkerchief out of his breast-pocket, unperceived by the latter.] 
Certainly, sir!— The lady's name is Mrs. Parker, the wife of a 
wholesale dry goods merchant of Chicago. — Rather an attractive 
appearance, hasn't she? 

Fred. [Sarcastically. ^^ Yes,— rather!— Would you mind giving 
me an introduction to her later on? 

Jones. With the greatest pleasure, sir! [He pulls out Yre^^s 
handkerchief and hides it behind his back, but is caught in the 
action by Hebe, who has been icatching him.] 

Hebe. [Startled.] Heaven, — what's that I see! 

Growler. What's the matter? [Both rise.] Am I looking 
worse, you think? 

Hebe. No, no, uncle, — nothing of the kind! [Sadly, aside.] A 
common pickpocket!— Who would have thought that? [Exit 
quickly R.] 

Growler. [Excitedly.] What's that she's mumbling? I wonder 
what's the matter?— Can I be looking worse, — and she's trying to 
hide it from me?— Is that why she's running away from me so 
fast? I must find out! [Exit quickly after Hebe r.] 

Jones. [Returning to Vivian l., and giving her the stolen 
handkerchief.] Here is the mute proof of my dishonor, — the silent 
witness of the first blotch on my hitherto stainless escutcheon! 

Vivian. [Looking at the initials in one of the corners of the 
handkerchief. Aside.] ' F. P."— It is Fred! 

Jones. Well, Mrs. Parker? Did you find out what you wanted 
to know? 

Vivian. [Dissembling.] No, — it was a disappointment! — The 
initials are not what I expected them to be! 

Jones. Then hadn't I better return the corpus delicti'^ 

Vivian. No, — I won't trouble you again! Bye and bye, when he 
isn't looking. I'll throw it under his chair! 

Jones. He asked me who you were just now! 

Vivian. Indeed? 

Jones. And he wanted to be introduced to you! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 37 

Vivian. [Aside.] What impudence! 

Jones. Do you object? 

Vivian. Oh,— not at all! [Jones goes to Fred and converses 
with him.] So, — he suspects me of being a tlirt, and wants to 
to play the spy on me! He deserves to be punished! — Here he 
comes now! [Jones and Fred approach Vivian.] 

Jones. [Introducing.] Mrs. Parker, — allow me to introduce 
Mr. Harrison to you! 

Vivian. [Observing him critically.] Mr. Harrison? 

Fred. [Quickly.] Artist,— from Milwaukee, Madam! 

Vivian. Ah!— Artist? 

Fred. I sincerely hope I am not intruding? 

Jones. Now, Mrs. Parker, will you kindly pardon me if I retire 
to attend to a little business matter? [Boivs and goes up stage.] 
I'll try one more attack on old Growler! [Looks round as if in 
search of Growler, and exit r.] 

Fred. 1 ou must think me rather bold to have asked for the 
favor of an introduction to you, Mrs. Parker, — but you will admit 
that etiquette is not so strictly observed in these places;— there- 
fore i hope you'll pardon the liberty I took! — Besides, my occupa- 
tion as painter, gives me the privilege to go in quest of everything 
that is beautiful in nature! 

Vivian. If your portraits are as flattering as your conversation, 
Mr. Harrison, your talents must be in great demand. 

Fred. Pardon me, — I merely stated a fact, and did not attempt 
to flatter.— If not too inquisitive, may I ask if Mr. Parker is also 
here? 

Vivian. No, sir!— My husband's business detains him in 
Chicago! 

Fred. It must surely have been a great sacrifice on his part to 
let you travel without him! 

Vivian. On the contrary, sir. — he let me go ivith the greatest 
pleasure! As for myself, I am only too happy to escape for once 
the monotony of our home, and to enjoy some liberty! 

Fred, Ah!— Then I surmise that your husband is inclined to 
play the tyrant! 

Vivian. Not quite so bad as that! — But he has other faults — 
nearly as bad, — for he is arbitrary, quarrelsome, and irritable! 

Fred. In that case I sympathize with you most sincerely! 

Vivian. I believe I deserve some sympathy, — for hardly a 

day passes by but we have a few well, that we are of a 

different opinion on some subject or another, and have a scene. 

Fred. Excuse me, — but is your husband alone to blame? 

Vivian. Most decidedly! — Before our marriage I had the 
sweetest temper imaginable, and got along amicably with every- 
body!— Even now I am on the best of terms with my aunt, and 
— Mr, Jones! — 

Fred. [Ironically,] Yes, madam, — you seem to be on most 
excellent terms with Mr. Jones! 



38 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 

Vivian, [Mischievously.] He is such a nice, apfreeable young 
man! — A perfect gentleman, — always obliging, polite, attentive, 
entertaining and full of fun! 

Frod. [Hardly able to restrain his anger.] Ah, — indeed? — I 
shall be glad to get better acquainted with Mr. Jones! 

Vivian. He is so even tempered, — never irritable! — And after 
what I told you of my husband, Mr. Harrison,— you can easily 
imagine how I must appreciate that quality in a man! — Are you a 
married man? 

Fred. Thank heaven — no, madam! 

Vivian. Thank heaven— no? That is scarcely polite in my 
presence, sir! 

Fred. I beg your pardon I — I didn't mean it that way! — In you 
I might' have found the ideal I have till now searched for in 



vam 



Vivian. Really? — What a pity we did not meet before! — And 
what special qualifications is your ideal to be possessed of, if I 
may ask? 

Fred. First of all — she must be as beautiful as an angel, — as 
artist lam surely entitled to that!— Furthermore she must be of 
a home-loving disposition, sweet tempered and of a soft and yield- 
ing nature, willing always to bow to a man's superior intelligence! 

Vivian. Even when that man is wrong? 

Fred. Even then! — Especially then! — That's exactly where her 
yielding nature would have to come in! — Then she would have to 
refrain from receiving the attention of any other man, nor think 
them agreeable and entertaining! 

Vivian. Indeed? Then let me offer you one piece of advice, — 
since you are an artist, if I were in your place, — I would paint 
such a paragon of modesty and virtue, and marry her. [Rises 
excitedly.] 

Fred. [Also rising.] I hope our conversation has not annoyed 
you! 

Vivian. I must admit that it has! — It has brought back to me 
too many unpleasant recollections of my home troubles! 

Fred. 1 am truly sorry if I have grieved you! 

Vivian. It is a deplorable fact that men expect everything 
from us, and are unwilling in their turn to make any concessions 
whatever! — I am afraid we would not harmonize very well 
together, Mr. Harrison!— I must admit that Mr. Jones' good 
qualities are more acceptable to me! [Exit quickly in hotel l.] 

Fred. And that's what I've got to swallow!— My own wife to 
tell me that she prefers another man to me! — But wait till the 
moment of dissimulation is past! — Like an avenging angel I'll 
step between them, and wither them with the thunder of my 
wrath ! 

Jones. [Enters r. u. E.,goes to arbor l. and looks into it.] Ah, 
— Mrs. Parker gone? 

Fred. Yes, — she went inside! 



I 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 39 

Jones. Charming woman, isn't she? 

Fred. [Nervously handling his cane and suppressing his 
anger.] Yes, — very ! 

Jones. We came here on the same train, and from the very 
start I took a great fancy to her! 

Fred. Are you acquainted with her husband? 

Jones. Only slightly !— Seems to be an erratic, irritable sort of 
a chap! 

Fred. I can easily, guess the rest! You are surely not here for 
your health! At least you don't look like it! 

Jones. [Laughing.] No, — there's nothing the matter with me! 
I'm as strong as a mule! [Pointing at his heart.] My only 
trouble is here! — And I believe I'll find a remedy for that while 
here! 

Fred, [Sivinging his cane.] I hope you won't address yourself 
to the wrong doctor! 

Jones. What are you swinging your cane for so continually? 

Fred. Only a habit of mine! — To keep my wrist supple! 

Jones. Do you need that as an artist? 

Fred. Yes,— to paint faces! 

Jones. Ah, — you are a portrait painter? — Then you are just 
my man! — I would like very much to have a miniature of my lady 
love; but strictly on the q. t., of course! 

Fred. Ah! 

Jones. I'll sit down beside her, so she'll have a pleasant expres- 
sion, and you can make a sketch of her unobserved by anyone! 

Fred. [Aside.] I cannot contain myself much longer! [^Zowd.] 
This may cost you dear, sir! 

Jones. Oh, I don't mind that! — It's immaterial! — As long as it 
is a good likeness! 

Jones, [Sternly.] It will be the best job I have ever done in 
my life, — I promise you that!— -Good morning, Mr. Jones! [Exit 
in hotel L,.., making piasses with hiscarie.] 

Jones. I'll see you later, Mr. Harrison! [Ruhhing his hands.] 
Splendid! 

Hebe. [Entering quickly r. u. e.] There he is now, sir! 

Jones. [Agreeably surprised,] Hebe!— Miss Worthy! 

Hebe. I have run ahead of my uncle to speak to you! 

Jones, How kind of you! [About to take her hand.] 

Hebe. [Shrinking ate ay from him.] Do not touch me, please! 
— I have nothing but contempt for you! 

Jones. [Astonished ] Contempt for me? 

Hebe. Let me advise you to leave here as soon as possible! 

Jones. Leave — while you are here? 

Hebe. No more of this, sir!- 1 shall not betray you, but you 
must go at once! [Goes up stage to meet her uncle, who enters 

R. u. E.] 

Jones. What the deuce does she mean? — I leave here at once? 
—Why?— She has nothing but contempt for me?— What can that 



40 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

old, walking medicine chest have told her about me? — There he 
sits down! — Now is my time!— I'll make my last attempt to get 
acquainted with him! 

Hebe. I'll get your shawl, uncle! [Exit in hotel l] 

Jones. [Going toivards hotel, calling.] I say, — waiter! [Very 
loud.] Oh, waiter! 

Growler. [Covering his ears with his hands.] Why the dickens 
does that fellow howl so? 

Otto. [Entering quickly from hotel l..] Did you call sir? — 
Did you vont me? 

Jones. Do you think I called you because I didn't want you? 

Otto. Sometimes dey do so already, sir! 

Jones. Get me a masseur! 

Otto. What kind of dings, sir? 

Jones. A masseur, stupid! — A person who understands massage 
treatment! 

Otto. I never heard of dose things, sir! 

Jones. Never heard of massage treatment in a health resort? 
[Growler becomes mterested.] 

Otto. No, sir, — I bet you some! 

Jones. Impossible! — Not heard of the latest scientific method 
of curing disease by systematic manipulations? The only suc- 
cessful treatment in cases of paralysis, neuralgia, rheumatism and 
joint diseases? And you call this an upto date sanitorium? It's 
incredible,— preposterous! [Aside.] If the old shark don't tackle 
the bait now, I'll throw up the sponge! [To Otto.] Very well,— 
I'll have to go where they are up to the times! — It seems you are 
fifty years behind here! [Otto exit in hotel l. shaking his head, 
and shrugging his shouldei^s,] 

Growler. [Has become more and more interested, rises, and 
approaches Jones.] Excuse me, sir, — I heard you speak of the 
only successful treatment of neuralgia and rheumatism! This 
interests me! 

Jones. [Stiffly.] Pardon me, sir! — I have not the pleasure of 
your acquaintance! 

Growler. [Humbly.] My name is Growler, sir!— Jeremiah 
Growler, from Chicago! 

Jones. [Quickly.] My name is James Jones,— lately from 
Joplin, Missouri;— it is my intention to establish myself in Chicago 
in the drug business; — I am twenty-six years old, — am a member 
of the Episcopal Church,— not without means,- with considerable 
expectations in the future from a wealthy uncle, who is 
single 

Growler. [Interrupting him.] Very glad to hear it,— but I 
meant to ask you in regards to that infallible cure you mentioned- 
just now! 

Jones. Oh,— the massage treatment, you mean? [Makes the 
motions of a masseur.] 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 41 

Growler. Yes,— that's it! [Imitates Jones' movements.] I 
never heard of it before! 

Jones. You astonish me! — It's universally known and used 
now-a-days! It's ahnost magical in its effects!— The cuticle 
the nerve and muscular system are thoroughly kneaded, accord- 
ing to scientific methods,— the blood flows freely through the 
arteries, and brings health and vigor to all afflicted organs. 

Growler. Health and vigor?— My dear sir, you bring me hope 
at last! You can scarcely imagine how I have suffered!— For 
years my life has been one of agony and pain! — My entire system 
is undermined! 

Jones. In that case massage treatment will be your only salva- 
tion!— I have used it, and see how healthy I am!— Even after the 
first treatment you will feel as light as a bird'in the air, ready to 
fly! 

Growler. [Sighing.] And just to think that nobody here 
understands it! — How unfortunate! 

Jones. Ah, — but luckily I do, — and I dare to say thoroughly! 
I have made a study of it. and if you will only permit me 

Growler. [Gladly.] My dear sir,— I would consider it a great 
favor! 

Jones. I am entirely at your service! — And if it benefits you, I 
will give you a treatment every day!— Please, be seated here! 
[Places a chair in c. of stage, and another one in front of it.] 

Growler. What? — Here in the open air? 

Jones. Only by way of experiment! [Growler sits down c] 
Now, place your feet on the other chair, and bend your body 
backwards! — So! — In case you have rheumatism in the shoulder- 
blades and arms, — this is the treatment! [Kneads his shoulders 
and arms.] So! [Coritimies the massage.] 

Growler. [Grunting.] Oh! — Ah!— I feel relieved alreadvl — 
It is wonderful ! -Oh ! -Oh ! 

Jones. [While kneading.] Mr. Growler, — I saw you in the 
company of a young lady this morning!— May I ask ? 

Growler. Never mind the young lady!— Let us stick to the 
treatment!— Oh! 

Jones. Very well!— Now, lean back a little further, and I will 
operate on the muscles of the chest! [Kneads his chest.] 

Growler. [Squirming.] Oh! — Ah! — Ahaha! — Your are tick- 
ling me! 

Jones. Only a slight irritation which you must overcome! — 
You will get used to it! 

Growler. Yes,— yes, I see!--Oh!— Ah! 

Jones. It does you good, eh? [Continuing to knead.] 

Growler. Yes, — oh, yes!— Oh!— Ah!— Please,— stop!— Ahaha!— 
I can not stand anymore! 

Jones. Only a little more willpower! — It's nothing when you're 
used to it! 

Growler. Oh!— Ah!— Ahaha! [Becomes hysterical.] 



42 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Hel)e. [Entei^s from hotel l. with a shawl on her arm. She 
sees her uncle and Joues and starts in fright.] Good heavens, — 
he is killing my uncle! — Help!— Murder!— Help! [Enter all the 
characters from hotel and r. u. e , ichile Jones continues to oper- 
ate on Growler. Hebe/m?ifs in Fred's arms.] 

Picture— Quick Curtain. 



ACT 111. 

Scene : Fred Parker's room in the Park Hotel at Waukesha 
— The usual hotel hedroo7n furniture. — Door c. — Windo'w r. — A 
door supposed to lead fo Growler's rooniL.. — This door must open 
inward and up stage. — As the curtain rises, enter Harrison, a 
very stout man with a florid complexion, c. d. — He comes doivn 
stage, leaving the door open, and looks around. 

Harrison, So, — these will be quarters for the next two weeks 
to come! — Not overluxurious, but I'll have to put up with it!— So 
long as I can get rid of twenty or thirty pounds avoirdupois while 
here, I'll be satistied! [Sits doum.^ 

Otto. [Enteriiig c. d.] Oxcuse me, sir, — but there was a mis- 
take made by the bell boy. — He vos a new boy und showed you de 
wrong room. — Your room is anodder room. — I will show you 
already!- It's next door on de odder side! 

Harrison. Well, — then I suppose I'll have to move again! 
[Grunts.] Here,— give me a lift! [Otto assists him. to rise. Har- 
ri.son exit c. d. Otto is about to follow him ichen Fred enters.] 

Fred. What is that man doing in my room? 

Otto. Only a mistake, Mr. Harrison! — Dot gentleman joost 
come, und got in de wrong room! — He is going to his own room 
already, I told him! — Dere vos a telegraph inde office for you, sir! 

Fred. A telegram?— Bring it up at once! 

Otto. Yes, sir! [Exit c. jy. closing it.] 

Fred. That must be from Torrence!— He is the only person 
who knows that I am here! [Goes to ivindoiv r.] There's Vivian 
now sitting in the garden, — and all alone!— I wonder where that 
lovely aunt of hers is! — Oh, but she's a good guardian to have over 
one's wife! — Just wait till Mr. Jones gets fresh again, and I'll soon 
settle his hash! 

Otto. [Enters c. d., after knocking, with a telegram.] Here 
vos de telegraph already, sir! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 43 

Fred. [Taking it.] Wait a moment! — There may be an answer! 
[Opens telegram and reads.] "Your personal property tax fixed 
atS7,0UO. Are you satisfied?— Will." [Astonished.] What?— My 
personal property tax $7,000 a year? Have I suddenly become a 
millionaire? [Sits down at table c, on ivhich are writing 
materials.] Ah, here's a Western Union blank! [Writes, while 
repeating the ivords aloud.] " Wm. Torrence — Parker & Torrence 
— Chicago— Illinois— Have you gone crazy or are you making a 
fool of me. — Fred." [Counts the words from one to ten, and rises.] 
There!- Tell them to rush it!— Collect! 

Otto. Yes, sir!— All right, sir! [Exit c. d. Enter immediately 
after his exit, Crrowler & Hebe from c. d.] 

Growler. [Coming down stage.] Excuse our intrusion, sir! 

Fred. What can I do for you, sir? 

Growler. I occupied this room last night, but they gave me 
another one this morning. I fear I lost something in here! 

Hebe. My uncle's pocketbook is missing, sir! 

Fred, Sorry, but I haven't seen it. Please look for yourself ! 
[Goes to ivindow r. and looks out.] 

Growler. Search everywhere, Hebe!— Your eyes are better 
than mine! 

Hebe^ [Searching.] I can find it nowhere! 

Growler. Hand me that cane over there! [Hebe hands him 
Fred's cane. He stooi^s and searches icith it under the sofa l. 
Suddenly crying out.] Ah! 

Hebe. Did you find it uncle? 

Growler. [Sinks down on the sofa rubbing his side. Fred. 
turns round to him.] A stitch in my side! Pardon me, sir, — I'll 
soon get over it, I hope! 

Fred. [Nodding his head.] So do I! Don't hurry on my 
account! [Tiunis back to the window.] 

Growler. [To Hebe ivho continues to search.] Can't you find 
it anywhere, Hebe? 

Hebe. You may take my word for it, UEcle!— I'm sure that 
young man took it from you ! 

Growler. [Rising ivith difficulty, and as if in jmin.] Bah! — 
Nonsense!- -He was only giving me a massage treatment! 

Hebe. I did not intend to tell you this, but after all I think I 
had better! 

Growler. What are you driving at? 

Hebe. That massage treatment was only a pretext. — I have 
seen him do some other of his tricks. — Come, uncle, there's no 
use to search here any longer, — we are only in this gentleman's 
way. 

Growler. [Loudly.] Just to think that we should have fallen 
here among robbers! 

Fred. [Quickly turming i^ound.] Do you mean to accuse me, 
sir? 

Hebe. Oh, not at all, sir!— Please excuse my uncle's excite- 
ment! 



44 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Growler. You go ahead, Hebe! -I want to explain to this gentle- 
man that it is not a question of lost money! [Hebe exit c. d.] 

Fred. Not of lost money?— Then it can certainly not be of 
much consequence! 

Growler. There is where you are mistaken, sir! — I am a con- 
stant invalid, and that pocketbook was full of useful receipts! 

Fred. Then you may thank your lucky stars that you lost it! — 
It's too much doctoring that makes people ill! 

Growler. If you knew my unfortunate condition, you wouldn't 
speak like that! — I am suffering from 

Fred, [hiterruptiag him.] We all have to bear our troubles, I 
suppose! 

Growler. Ah , yes, — of course!— May I ask what your symptoms 
are? [Takes a chair and sits down.] Now, tell me all about 
yourself! — Afterwards I will give you an idea of what ails me! 

Fred, [Scarcely restraining himself.] Pardon me, but I can 
not listen to you, sir, 1 

Growler. Yes, I must admit it is painful to hear the recital of 
my many ailments! 

Fred. You misunderstand me, sir! — I have neither time nor 
inclination to hear any more of your complaints! — My nerves are 
somewhat upset! 

Growler. [Rising.] I regret to hear it! — That is also one of 
my greatest troubles!— Well, my list of misfortunes will have to 
keep till some other time! — We could take a nice, long walk 
together, when I will be better able to give you a complete 
diagnosis! 

Fred. [Driving him towards c. -d.] Yes, yes, — some other day! 
I have no time now! 

Growler. It would probably not take me more than two hours 
to tell you all about'it! 

Fred. It will greatly interest me no doubt! — Only not now! 

Growler. [Near c. d., offering his hand.] My dear sir, I am 
so glad to have met you! 

Fred. [Shaking his hand energetically.] The pleasure is 
mutual! 

Growler. [As if in pai7i.] Ah ! — Oh !— Good day, sir ! 

Fred. [Slamming the door.] I thought I never would get rid 
of that bore! 

Growler. [Reopening the door.] Pardon me, — I only wanted 
to inform you that I am your next door neighbor, No. 13! [Point- 
ing to door L.] That door there leads to my room! 

Fred. [Anginly.] All right! [Growler shuts the door again.] 
If he comes back again I'll murder him! [Goes to ivindoiv r.] 
Slill alone!— Where the dickens is her aunt? I'll have to see to 
this myself! [Goes to c. and is met by Otto, who enters.] 

Otto. [Somewhat confused.] Ach, oxcuse me, Mr. Harrison, — 
I think you have gone out already! [Is about to leave lohen called 
back by Fred.] 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. • 45 

Fred. Here,— come back!— What did you want in here? 

Otto. [Snickering.] Dere's a lady oudside! 

Fred. Well,— what does she want of me? 

Otto. [Same business.] He-he-he!— I dink you make a mash 
on her, — I bet you some! 

Fred. What rubbish are you talking?— What does she want^ 
— Out with it! 

Otto. He-he-he!— I've promised not to tell, sir!— He-he-he' 

Fred. See here,— if you don't tell me, I'll break every bone in 
your body! 

Otto. Ach, no, sir!— I vont like dat!— It's really too funny for 
anydings, I bet you!— She vants some piece of your linen for a 
souffenir!— He-he-he! 

Fred. Is she crazy? 

Otto. Yes, sir,— I dink so!— Und she is not very young neither 
already yet! 

Fred. Who is the lady? 

Otto. No. 34!— I mean Miss Green! 

Fred. Ah!— I don't know her! 

Otto. Will you let her have dat souffenir, sir? 

Fred. Most decidedly not!— And if you dare to sneak anything 
out of this room, I'll have you discharged on the spot,— do you 
hear? [Goes threateningly toivards Otto.] 

Otto. [Frightened.] All right, sir!— I vont touch anydings in 
here, I bet you some. [Exit c. d.] 

Fred. Aha!— Aunt Mildred is on my track!— It's well to be 
forewarned! [Looking around.] Luckily I left nothing lying 
loose around here! [Goes to his satchel near window r. and tries 
the loek.] And my satchel is safely locked!— Now, I'll go down 
to Vivian! [Takes up his hat and caiie.] 

Otto. [Enters c. d.] Ach, Mr. Harrison.' 

Fred. Now,— what is it you want again? 

Otto. Dot lady says she vont to speak mit you.— Can she come 
in? 

Fred. Not on your life!— I don't receive visits from ladies! 

Otto. Not when dey're old already, I suppose!— Vot shall I tell 
her? 

Fred. Anything you please! 

Otto. I'll tell her you vos in your bathtup!— Then she von't 
come, I bet you some! [Exit quickly c. d.] 

Fred. The trail is getting hot, and dear auntie is persistent!— 
But I'll lose no more time here, while Mr. Jones may be making 
huDself agreeable to my wife! [Picks up his hat and cane again 
and IS about to leave ivhen Dr. Rog"ers enters c. d.] 

Dr. Rog-ers. Pardon me,— have I the pleasure to see Mr. 
Harrison? 

Fred. That's my name, sir! 

Dr. Rogers. I am Dr. Rogers! [Puts down his hat] Your 
valet informed me just now of your arrival! 



46 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Fred. My valet? 

Dr. Rogers. I received your letter from Chicago yesterday, but 
expected you on a later train. 

Fred. See here, doctor, — there must be a mistake! — I never 
wrote to you in my life! 

Dr. Rog-ers. In that case there must be another guest by your 
name stopping here! 

Fred. Very likely! — Harrison is not an uncommon name! 

l)r. Rogers. May I ask if you are here for your health, sir! 

Fred. [Laughing.] Not exactly, doctor! — There's nothing the 
matter with me! 

Dr. Rogers. Ah, I see!— Merely on a pleasure trip, eh? 

Fred. No, — I can't call it that either!— I'll be candid with you, 
doctor! — I am here to abduct one of yourfair visitors! 

Dr. Rogers. [Astonished.] Nonsense, sir! — Preposterous! 

Fred. Not at all, doctor!— I am here to kidnap a lady. 

Dr. Rogers. That would be the first time such a thing 
happened in Waukesha! — It's immoral, sir! 

Fred, Not at all, doctor,— for the lady is my wife! 

Dr, Rogers. Now, who has ever heard of a man wanting to 
kidnap his own wife! 

Fred. Yes, I admit — it's not a daily occurrence!— Still circum- 
stances alter cases! [Goes to ivindowB.] 

Dr. Rogers. [Observing Fred closely,— aside.] Very strange! 

Fred. [Looking through the ivi^idow.] There's the scoundrel 
now! 

Dr. Rogers. [Aside.] And so excited! [Joins Fred at the 
windoiv.] Whom do you refer to? 

Fred. I'll strangle that rascal yet! 

Dr. Rogers. [Feeling Fred's jndse.] Allow me! 

Fred- [Pidling his arm aicay, — angrily.] Oh, don't bother 
me! [Stares again out of the ivindoto.] 

Dr. Rogers. [Aside.] Yes, clearly a case of 7ion compos mentis ! 
[Aloud.] Mr. Harrison, you seem somewhat agitated! [Fred 
turns towards him.] 

Fred. I have sufficient cause to be! 

Dr. Rogers. You have perhaps been overworked lately! — 
What is your line of business, if I may inquire? 

Fred. [Forgetting himself.] I'm in the dry goods 

[Qiu'ckly correctioig himself.] I meant — I'm an artist, — a painter! 

Dr. Rogers. What is your style? 

Fred. I have preferred still-life till now, — but in the future — 
[Looking again through the icindoiD.] I am going to devote my- 
self to battlepieces! 

Dr. Rogers. [Aside.] There is no doubt!— Hie mind is upset! 
[Points at his forehead.] 

Otto. [Entering c. d. unth another telegram.] 

Dr. Rogers. [Aside to Otto.] I say, Otto! — Is there a Mrs. 
Harrison stopping here? 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 47 

Otto. Not vot I know of already, doctor! 

ivZ'dow'^f^''^' ^^'' '^'^ ^ ''^^^'' ''^^^' t^**"* ^^^' ^^ ^^•^♦l *^^«^' 

Otto. Here's another telegraph, Mr. Harrison' 
ovfnfi^nSr'iT'/^ n""'"'-? r^'"^"^.' ^'^^ ^"^^'^'^^^ ^^'^ telegram 

"^/ ^^«^f-] "Your telegram a conundrum. What are you 
refernng to?-Torrence."-Well,-if this doesn't beat the devil! 

Br. Rogers. Anything wrong, Mr. Harrison? 

J^ red. Anything wrong ?-I should say so!-It seems that I've 
gone'^mzy? ""'''" ^^^^^ " sudden,-and that my partner his 

Dr. Rogers. [Aside.] If there still were any doubt in my 
mind,— this hallucination about being a millionaire would confirm 
my suspicions! 

tefeptne'in''th*?"°piLi? ''"' ^"""^ " '""'"^ '^ ^ '-« "^'^'-^ 
Otto. Yes, sir,— two blocks from here, round de corner! 

tinn'n?;il fli?. r"^?''''^''''^'-^^^ f ^ ^^ ^ ^^^''^ ^^^ an explana- 
tion of all this! [Takes up his hat and cane, and exit hastily 

Otto. Vat is de matter mit dat man, doctor^ 

Dr. Kogers. Not a word of this to anybody, Otto !-It was a 
lucky thing that I made this discovery in time' 

Otto. [Curiously.'] Discovery, doctor?— What discovery"? 

Dr. Rogers. You must not mention this to a soul, Otto— if 
you v^ant to keep your place here!- The reputation of the hotel 
would be ruined for the entire season, if you did.— This man 
Harrison, IS suffering from delusions, and not in his right mind' ' 

Otto. I thought so from the time he came, I bet you some 
doctor!— He is been acting so queer und crazy-like already all de 

Dr. Roprs. Be very careful and keep a strict watch over him ! 
—it he should become violent, send for me at once!— I'll know 
how to quiet him, and get him out of the way, without any dis- 
turbance! ^ 

Otto. All right, doctor,— I'll watch him! 

TIT?*** I^^S'^*''''* We had better take some precautions, however' 
VVlio occupies the next room? 

Otto. [Pointing to door l.] Mr. Growler is in dere, doctor! 

Dr. Rog-ers. One of my most interesting patients!— We must 
protect him by all means! I'll see if he is in his room! [Goes to 
door L. and knocks. A key is heard to turn in the lock, and the 
door ts slightly opened.] 

Growler, [Behind door l.] Did you wish to see me, sir? 

Dr. Rogers. [To Otto.] Move that sofa out of the way, Otto' 
lUtto moves the sofa, ivhich has been standing against the door 
doivn stage, and someivhat removed from the wall.] 



48 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Growler. [Opening the dooi\] Ah, is it you, doctor? 1 
thought my neighbor wanted to see me! 
Dr. Rogers. [Mysteriously.] Hush! — Step in here, sir! 
Growler. What is the matter, doctor. 

Dr. Rogers. I think it my duty to put you on your guard, Mr. 
Growler! Your neighbor, who occupies this room, is not quite 
safe! 

Growler. What?— Still another ? [Imitates the motions 

of a pickpocket.'] 
Dr. Rogers. Oh, no;— he is not altogether in good health! 
Growler. [Frightened.] Say, doctor,— is it catching? 
Dr. Rogers. I mean — not quite right in his mind! 
Growler. Good lord!— Oh, this is a lovely place to come to! — 
I knew room No. 13 would bring me bad luck! — I'll pack my trunk 
and leave here at once! 

Dr. Rogers. There is no need to feel alarmed, Mr. Growler! — 
There is no danger whatsoever! — But I thought it better to warn 
you. in case you should happen to hear some unusual noise in this 
room! 

Growler. If I stay here, I'll feel all the time as if I were sitting 
on a keg of gunpowder! [The sound of an electric bell is heard 
far in the distance. Growler becomes frightened and grabs hold 
of the doctor's and Otto's arms, as if in great fear.] 

Otto. Of you please, Mr. Growler, turn me loose!— Dot bell 
rings for me already! [Disengages himself and goes to c. d.] 

Dr. Rogers. Otto, you can lock the door on the outside;— I'll 
leave through Mr. Growler's room! 
Otto, All right, doctor! 

Dr. Rogers. And mind what I told you— not a word of all this 
to anyone, and keep a strict watch over him! 

Otto. Of course, doctor,^ — I bet you some! [Exit c. d. The 
key is heai^d to turn in the lock.] 

Growler, I had some conversation with this gentleman only a 
short time ago, and he appeared perfectly rational tome! 

Dr. Rogers. [Shrugging his shoulders.] Oh, yes, — I can 
understand that easily enough! — They all have their lucid inter- 
vals! — They seldom last long though! 

Growler. Well,— I'll have to change my room again!— They'll 
have to give me one as far removed from here as possible, or 
otherwise I'll go elsewhere! 

Dr, Rogers. There's absolutely nothing to fear, I assure you, 
sir! — Besides the key is on your side of the door, and moreover 
there is a strong iron bolt to it, as you can see! [Goes to door l.] 
Growler. [Folloicing him.] Nevertheless I'll not feel comfort- 
able during the night with a raving maniac next door to me! — He 
might batter in the door and try to kill me during my sleep! 
[The door^knob of c. d. is tried from the outside. He becomes 
frightened.] Great heavens, there he is back now! [Runs off 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 49 

quickly i^., following the doctor, closes and locks the door, ivhile 
the c. D. is unlocked and opened. Enter Mildred and Jones,] 

Mildred. [Looking round; — in a subdued tone.] So, — here we 
are in the enemy's camp! — Luckily nobody saw us enter here! 

Jones, [In the same tone.] I should say it was lucky, madam! 
You are promoting me to a candidacy in the state's prison, do you 
know? — Are you aware of the penalty for entering strange premises 
with malice aforethought, and with burglarious intentions? 

Mildred, I am not, and I don't, care a rap! — Ah, there is his 
satchel! 

Jones. Strange that women have no respect for the majesty of 
the law! 

Mildred. Stop your orations, and help me lift this satchel on 
the table! — It's too heavy for me alone! [They place the satchel 
on the table.] Now, out with your keys! — Quick' — Hurry up! 

Jones. [Pulls a bunch of keys out of his pocket ;— reluctantly.'] 
I tell you, madam, — it's entirely unnecessary! Your niece has 
convinced herself completely that the gentleman was not her 
husband! 

Mildred. I'm not as easily bamboozled as my niece! — I want 
ocular evidence, and I mean to have it! — He may have bought 
another suit of clothes, but he hasn't provided himself completely 
with new linen !^Corae, on! — To your work! — I'll steady the 
satchel! 

Jones, [Groaning.] Such stubborness! [Tries to open the 
satchel ivith one of the keys.] It won't tit. 

Mildred, [Imperatively] Then try the others! 

Jones, [Trying the other keys.] No, — it's useless!— None of 
them will tit this lock!— Now, madam, that I have done your wish, 
I'm off I [About to go up stage.] 

Mildred. [Detaining him.] No, — you're not! — I don't give in 
so easily! — I intend to come to the bottom of this! 

Jones. Then you'll have to do so alone! — I am going to sneak! 
[Goes up stage.] 

Mildred. You are, eh? — Very well!— If you get a cold recep- 
tion from Miss Hebe, you can blame yourself! 

Jones. [Stops and returris slowly.] Would you really have the 
heart to queer me with her? 

Mildred, [Imitating him.] Yes, I would really have the heart 
to queer you with her! 

Jones, [Determinedly,] Then I might as well take my chances 
with the district attorney! [Takes up the satchel violently, and 
tries to open it by tearing the lid to pieces.] 

Miidred, [Searching round.] Oh, — here's a nail!— Wait a 
moment! [Jones p)uts the satchel down.] Bend this nail and try 
if you can not open the lock with it! [Gives the nail to Jones.] 

Jones. [With dignity.] Madam, do you know that the law 
considers a bended nail in the light of a jimmy? 



50 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Mildred. I don't care whether its a jimmy or a johnny, so long 
you open the satchel with it! 

Jones. And how do you expect me to bend it? With my 
teeth? 

Mildred. [Contemptuously.] Weakling!— Baby! 

Jones. You're not a baby by a long shot! — Here, you bend it! 
[Offering her the nail.] 

Mildred. I'll get a hammer! [Goes up stage and turns round. 
Dictatorially, stamping her foot.] You stay here till I some back! 
[Exit quickly c. d.] 

Jones. — She gives herself airs like a street-car conductor! — But 
what am I to do? — Lord, how those women can put on the thumb- 
screws! — Is marriage really worth all this bother? — Of course,— 
there are women — and women! — There's a great difference between 
them! — [Placing his hand on his heart, — ivith mock pathos.] Oh, 
Hebe! — Sweetest of all women, — angel placed in the highest niche 
of my affection, — will you ever come off your perch to put the 
thumbscrew on your hubby that is to be? [Picks up the satchel 
again. Fred enters c. d. and watches him.] Confound this 
satchel! If I could only open it! — I'll try my keys once more! 
[Takes out his keys and trys to picl. the lock.] No, — it's useless! 
— None of them will fit! 

Fred. [Coming down stage, — cooly.] Of course not!— That's a 
Yale lock! 

Jones. [Starts and drops the satchel.] Great Scott!— I'm 
pinched! 

Fred. Is this your regular occupation? 

Jones. [Pressing his hand on his heart.] The first time in my 
life, I swear it! 

Fred. [Calmly, but sternly.] Really? — Then I'll take care that 
it will also be the last time! 

Jones. My dear sir, — you certainly do not imagine 

Fred. [Stopping him] I don't imagine anything! — I have 
seen with my own eyes, — that's sufficient, I think! 

Jones. Please, listen to me, and I'll explain to you what got 
me into this damnable scrape! It's all on account of a woman! 

Fred. Yes, [ know!— yoa seem to be a red hot favorite with 
women! But I'll teach you a lesson! 

Jones. My dear sir, you seem to bear me a grudge, — but I can 
assure you that I am innocent, and that Miss Green is at the 
bottom of it all! 

Fred. You are only wasting your words with me! — You can 
tell all your troubles to the police later on! 

Jones. [Aghast.] But, Mr. Harirson, — you'll surely not turn 
jin innocent joke into 

Frfid. Oh, — it's a beautiful joke to break into other people's 
rooms, and try to pick locks! 

Jones. It's all because Miss Green thinks that you are some- 
body else in disguise, and she only wanted 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 5l 

Fred, [Again motioning him to stop.] All your talk is useless! 
— Save your breath for the judge! 

Jones. But I'll convince you that I'm speaking the truth! — I'll 
go after Miss Green and bring her here! [Goesu2^ stage.] 

Fred. [Barring his ivay.] Stop!— Not a step farther! 

Jones. You won't let me prove my innocence? 

Fred. You can do that to the police! [Exit quickly c. d. and 
locks it behind him.] 

Jones. [Vainly trying to hurst open the door.] Locked in! — 
The devil, — what a scrape! 

Fred. [Loudly off stage.] Waiter, — call a policeman at once. 
Hurry up! 

Otto. [Off stage.] All right, Mr. Harrison ! 

Jones. He has really sent for the police! — This is getting 
serious! — What if Hebe should see me under arrest? — What would 
she think of me? — They'll not catch me alive! [Runs to window 
R. and looks doicn.] Hm! — Three stories high! — I might break 
my neck if I jumped! [Looks round the room.] Is there no other 
way out of here? — Ah, — there's another door! [Runs to door l. 
and turns the knob.] Also locked!— Somebody may be in there! 
I'll see! [Knocks loudly.] 

Hebe. [Off stage j..] Who's there? 

Jones. Please open the door, quick! 

Hebe. [Unlocks and unbolts the door, and opens it.] 

Jones. Ah, it's you, Hebe! — How lucky!— You've saved me! 

Hebe. Did they catch you at it? — Why didn't you go, when I 
told you to? 1 warned you! 

Jones. I don't understand you any better now than I did 
before!— You are talking in riddles! — But for heaven's sake, let 
me get out of here through your room! — They locked me in here! 

Hebe. Not a step nearer! — What other crime have you com- 
mitted now? 

Jones, Crime? — No crime at all!— Only Mr. Harrison caught 
me, while I was trying to pick the lock of his satchel! 

Hebe. [Startled.] Oh, heaven! — And you call that no crime? 
— You ask me to let you escape? — I'll call the police! 

Jones. Don't bother yourself! — That's already been done! 
[Steps nearer to her.] But every moment is precious!— Let me 
go! 

Hebe. [Wringing her hands.] You misguided, unfortunate 
young man! 

Jones. Save your compassion till later on, but let me pass now! 
[Approaches Hebe, who has gradually left the door. He ( omes 
betiveen the door and Hebe, who has become frightened, and has 
run behind the sofa.] 

Hebe. [Tearfully and frightened.] You wouldn't hurt me, 
would you? 

Jones. The way is clear r,t last. I hold the door! 



52 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Hebe. [Bii7'sting out in tears.] Oh, please,— don't hurt me, 
sir! 

Jones. [Becoming alarmed at seeing Hebe in tears, leaves the 
door, and comes down stage in front of the sofa.] Hurt you, my 
darhng? How could I? 

Hebe. [Frightened at seeing Jones approaching her.] I'll call 
for help! [Jumps hack toivards the door behind the sofa, Jones 
at the same time jumj^s totvards the door in front of the sofa, 
and reaches it before Hehef who jumps back behind the sofa.] 

Jones. Oh, no, — the door is mine! 

Hebe. [In despair.] Oh, — what shall I do? [Pidls out her 
parse] Here, sir, — take my purse!— There's only thirty-seven 
cents in it, — but here's my locket also! Unfastens the locket 
from her neck.] It's real gold. 

Jones. [Confounded.] What?— Oh, — this is too much! 

Hebe. No,— no! — You can have it all; — I'll put it here on the 
sofa,— only — please, — please, — leave me, sir! 

Jones. Leave you? — Never— I swear it! 

Hebe. [Sinks down 07i her knees at the lower end of the sofa, 
and stretches out her hands imj^loringly toicards him.] Oh, sir, — 
have mercy! 

Jones. [Also falling on his knees 7iear the other end of the sofa, 
and imitating her gestures.] If you go down on your marrow 
bones, so will I! — It is I, Hebe, who implore your mercy! — Please, 
don't take me for a burglar or an assassin! — 1 wouldn't harm a 
hair on your dear hear! 

Hebe. [Pacified, and rising quickly.] You are really not 
going to hurt me? 

Jones. [Still on his knees.] I wouldn't hurt a cockroach! — 
Believe me,— no matter how much appearances are against me, — 
I'm as innocent as a new born lamb! 

Hebe. Oh, — but I watched you in the garden myself, while 
you [Imitates a pickpocket.] 

Jones. [Jumjnng to his feet.] You mean the business with 
that handkerchief? — Ask Mrs. Parker why I did that! — It was for 
your sake! 

Hebe. Incomprehensible! — But what about the satchel? 

Jones. Miss Green is to be blamed for that!— Ask her! — That 
was also done to obtain your good graces! 

Hebe. I can't understand it at all! 

Jones. There's no time now to explain everything! — Only this I 
will tell you,— that for your dear sake I would risk anything in 
my power! 

Hebe. [Hesitatiiigly.] When I look into your eyes, I feel 
almost inclined to believe you! 

Jones. My eyes are the mirrors of my soul! — You may believe 
and trust me!— My father always said that anybody might safely 
give a mortgage on my eyes! 

Hebe. And you think I ought to risk it? 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 53 

Jones. You will find it gilt edged security! 

Hebe. I am inclined always to be cautious, sir! 

Jones. We may never have a chance to meet again like this, — 
and a wise person grabs the opportunity whenever it offers itself! 
[Approaches her gradually .] 

Hebe« Till now you certainly have not shown remarkable 
wisdom yourself! 

Jones, Because I love you so foolishly! — Because you have 
bereft me of all my senses! 

Hebe. In that case I will be lenient with you! 

Jones, You're an angel! — And I freely forgive you your 
suspicions! [Imitates a pickpocket.] But all that is over now, — 
and before us lies a future of bliss and happiness! 

Hebe. I depend entirely upon my uncle, sir! 

Jones. I'll give him another massage treatment to-morrow, and 
ask for your hand at the same time! -[Takes her hand and brings 
it to his Zips.] Will you permit your mortgagor to pay his first 
interest? [Kisses her hand.] Now, as a matter of business may 
I ask for a receipt! [Wijoes his lips, and jyiickers them, as if 
expected to he kissed. — Sever-al voices are heard behind c. d.] 

Hebe. [Alarmed.] I hear voices! [The noise behind c. d. 
increases.] 

Fred. [Of stage, ^-loudly J[ Here's the door sergeant! 

Jones. [Frightened.] There's the police!— As usual,— v/hen 
not wanted! 

Hebe. Come quick, — through my uncle's room! 

Jones. [Grabbing Hebe's purse and locket from the sofa.] 
Here's your thirty-seven cents, Hebe! [Both exeunt quickly door 
L., Jones /oZZotr?"7zg Hebe. He closes and locks the door, ivhile at 
the same time the c. d. is imlocked and opened, and Fred, Dr. 
Rogers, Sergeant Ripley, Otto and tico insane asylum guards 
enter.] 

Fred. [While entering, looking backivard.] Come in, gentle- 
men ! [Remains at the door ushering in the others.] 

Dr. Rogers. [Aside to Sergeant Ripley.] Give in to every- 
thing he says, sergeant! — The guards have their instructions. 

Sergeant. [Aside to Dr. Rogers.] Very well, doctor! 

Fred. [After all have entered, turning round.] Arrest that 

fellow [Astonished at not seeing Jones.] What the deuce 

has become of him? [Calling.] Mr. Jones! — Aha, — our man is 
liiding himself! [Looks under the sofa.] 

Dr. Rogers. [Aside /o Sergeant Ripley.] There's a specimen 
of his delusions! [To the Guards.] You have your instructions? 
[The Guards nod.] 

Fred. [Getting up again.] The devil! 

Sergeant. Can't you find him, sir? 

Fred. I don't understand how he got out of here! [Tries the 
doorknob of door l,.] 

Dr. Rogers^ That door is locked from the other side! 



54 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Fred. [Opening the wardrobe.] Empty! 

Dr. Rog"ers and Serjeant Ripley. [Looking at each other.] 
Hm!— Hm! 

Fred. [Looking in the washstand.] He couldn't very well hide 
in here! 

Dr. Rogers. No, hardly! 

Fred. [Slightly instated.] Still I assure you, doctor, that I 
left him here,^,and locked him in! [Throii's all the pilioivs and 
covers from the bed, and looks under it.] 

Serg-eaiit. While Fred ransacks the bed.] Oh, — we'll take 
your word for that, sir! — Would you mind stating the facts once 
more? 

Fred. [Kicking his satchel out of the ivay impatiently.] I 
knew the fellow in Chicago! — He sneaked into my house, under 
some pretext, in order to rob me of my life's happiness! 

Dr. Rog'ers. Abominable! 

Sergeant. Monstrous. 

Fred. A little while ago I went to a telephone station to talk 
to my partner in Chicago, who wired me first that I had become a 
millionaire, and later on denied aU knowledge of the fact!— I think 
he's suddenly gone crazy! [The doctor a?? d sergeant throw mean- 
ing glances at each other.] Well, — somehow or another I couldn't 
connect with him, and when I came back to my room, I found 
this rascal trying to pick the lock of my satchel! — You know the 
rest, sergeant! 

Sergeant. Yes, sir! — If we could only find our man! 

Fed. It is your business to find him! — That's what you are on 
the police force for! 

Sergeant. I'll do all I can, sir!— Will you be kind enough to 
come with me in the meantime? 

Fred. I?— What for? 

Dr. Rogers. You'd better go quietly along, Mr. Harrison? 

Fred. Why should I? What do you want of me? 

Sergeant. I want you to give us a full description of this 
fellow! 

Fred. I have already done so, and told you all I knew about 
him! — His name is Jones, but that is probably an alias! — I can't 
leave here now, as I am expecting another wire from my partner! 
[Sees Otto, ivho has been staring at him unth ivide open 7nouth.] 
Why the devil are you staring at me in that way? 

Otto. [Frightened, stepping back.] Och, — for nodding at all, 
sir! — Only joost so! 

Fred. [Folloicing him, threateningly.] What the dickens are 
you doing here anyhow? — What business have you got here? — I 
don't need you, — so get out of my room! 

Otto. [Ti^embling .] Yes, sir!— All right, sir! [Exit quickly 
c. D.] 

Dr. Rogers. [Placing his hand on Fred's shoulder.] There's 
no need to excite yourself like this, my dear sir! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 55 

Fred. And those two fellows! [Pointing towards the guards.] 
What are they doing in here? 

Dr, Rogers. They are friends of mine! — They came with me I 
— Now, come, — control yourself! — Don't fly into a passion! — It's 
bad for you! 

Fred. [Furiously, stamping his foot.] How in the devil's 
name do you expect me to control myself, when I see a lot of guys 
standing around here doing nothing, while this fellow, Jones, may 
be making his escape? 

Growler. [Sticking his head through door l.] What's the 
meaning of all this noise in here? 

Fred. Ah, my neighbor! — One moment, sir! [Goes to door i^] 
Did you see ? 

Growler. [Frighteyied.] I've seen nothing! [Slams the door.] 

Fred. Is this a conspiracy against me? 

Dr. Rogers. Why, no, — Mr. Harrison! — We are all your friends 
here! 

Sergeant. Certainly,— so long as you will quietly come along 
with us! 

Fred. [Angrily.] The gods in their wrath must have turned 
you into a police sergeant! 

Sergeant. Yes,— yes, — of course!— Quite right! 

Fred. Sir,- are you trying to make a fool of me? 

Growler. [Again peeping through door l.] Why don't you 
arrest that fellow? 

Fred. That's all I want them to do!— Neighbor, I want your 
assistance! [Goes to l,.] 

Growler. Excuse me! [Slams the door again.] 

Fred. [Furiously, taking up his hat.] This is more than I 
can stand! [Slams the hat on his head.] 

Dr. Rogers. That's right!— Let us go, Mr. Harrison! [Offers 
him his ai^m.] 

Fred. [Impatiently.] Ah,— what the dickens!— My name isn't 
Harrison! 

Sergeant. Quite right, sir!— We know all about it! 

Fred. [Astonished.] You know all about it?— How could you? 
— Nobody knows me here, — not even my own wife! 

Sergeant. [Tidying to pacify him.] Yes,— yes!— That'll be all 
right! 

Dr. Rogers. [Sternly, but ivithout temper.] But now it's our 
time to go!— Come along without any further disturbance, Mr. 
Harrison. [Growler opens door l. again.] 

Fred. [Sloivly, resti^aining his passion.] What are you driving 
at, doctor? 

Jones. [Enters c. d., smiling.] Ah, good day, Mr. Harrison!- 
How are you, gentlemen! 

Fred. [Furiously.] Ah, there he is now!— Seize that man!— 
Arrest him! [At a sign of Dr. Rogers the guards take quic'hly 



56 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 

hold of Fred's arms and shoulders, so that he is unable to move.] 
What meaDS this outrage? 

I)r. Rogers. Keep cool, Mr. Harrison,— keep cool! 

Growler. [Stepping into the room.] Hold him tight, boys! 

Picture— Quick Curtain. 



ACT IV. 



Scene : The same setting as in Act II. — As the curtain rises 
enter Jones r. u. e. 

Jones. [Looking at his watch, and afterivards up to the hotel 
ivindoivs.] She promised to meet me this morning early in the 
garden! — Her curtain is raised! — Ah, here she comes now! 

Hebe. [Entering from hotel -l.] Good morning! 

Jones. [Going to meet her.] My Hebe! [Kisses her hand.] 
Now,— let me quickly hear my fate!— What did your uncle say? 

Hebe. [Be7ids her head as if embarrassed.] 

Jones. Why are you silent? 

Hebe. I haven't found the heart yet to speak to him! — I didn't 
think it would be such a difficult matter! — But last night I 
couldn't gather up courage enough to do it! — It has worried me 
so, that I have hardly been able to close my eyes! 

Jones. While I dreamed sweet dreams of you all night! 

Hebe. I hope you will forgive me for not speaking to him! — 
He was in such an awful bad humor! 

Jones. His bad humor iS like a continuous variety perform- 
ance! — There's no intermission! — Only some of his turns are worse 
than the others! — If we wait till he gets an attack of good humor 
we'll both die old maids! 

Hebe. Eh? 

Jones. I mean— you will! 

Hebe. But I have firmly made up my mind to speak to him 
during our breakfast this morning. — He likes to take it in the 
open air, and it usually brings him in a better temper, when he 
does. 

Jones. If I were only sure that you would stick to your 
determination. 

Hebe. [Placing her hand on herheai^.] I promise you I will! 
Now, that I have seen you again, I'll be braver! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 57 

Jones. [Placing Jiis arm around her and drawing her towards 
him ] My darling! — And after you have made your confession, 
leave him to mel — I'll finish the siege, and take the old fortifica- 
tion by assault! [Kisses her forehead.] 

Growler. [Off stage l., loudly.] Hebe! [They separate 
quickly.] 

Hebe. [Nervously.] Run away!— Quick! 

Joues. [While running to B..\j.^.] Mind, — don't fail! [Exit 
quickly r. u. e.] 

Growler. [Entering from hotel -l.] So, — here you are! 

Hebe. Yes, uncle, — I came out early in the garden to hear the 
birds sing! — It's so pretty! [Affectionately placing her arm 
around him.] How do you feel to-day uncle, dear? I believe you 
have had a good night's rest! 

Growler. Not much! — What makes you think so? 

Hebe. Because I could hear you snore all night! — Those parti- 
tions here are so thin! 

Growler, Snore? — No such thing! — I never snore! — You may 
have heard me groan in pain, perhaps! 

Hebe. I think you are looking ever so much better to-day! 

Growler. You do? That would be extraordinary after all of 
yesterday's excitement and disturbance! [Olto enters from hotel 
L. loith a large tray on ivhich are all the 7iecessary breakfast 
i7igredients. He sets the table r., and exit again in hotel.] 

Hebe. I wonder what has become of that poor Mr. Harrison! 

Growler. Oh, — they've locked him up, of course!— That man 
was a dangerous lunatic! — We may congratulate ourselves that 
we got rid of him! [They go to table r. and sit doini for their 
breakfast.] Pour out my coffee, my dear! 

Hebe. [Serving him.] Shall I get you a footstool, uncle? 

Growler. No, — never mind! — It doesn't seem damp here! 

Hebe. Or do you want your shawl? 

Growler. [Gazing at her fixedly.] Hebe, — you seem extra- 
ordinarily anxious about me to-day! 

Hebe. I am always anxious for your health, dear!— Don't you 
always take care of me? — It's the least return I can make for your 
kindness to me! — And who knows what a short time fate may 
leave us together! 

Growler. [Half rising in fear.] Do you think I am nearing 
my end? Do I look that bad? 

Hebe. Oh, no, — uncle, — I didn't mean it that way at all! 

Growler. [Sitting dozen again.] How then? 

Hebe. Circumstances might arise which would compel me to 
leave you! 

Growler. [Dropping a piece of toast.] What are you talking 
about? 

Hebe. [Handing him another ijiece of toast.] Go ahead with 
your breakfast, uncle, — and I'll explain to you what I mean! — 
You know, dear, — that I love you dearly, for you have always been 



58 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

so good to me! — But there might come somebody else some day, 
whom I would be bound to love still more! 

Crrowler. Here, — don't you commence any nonsense of that 
kind, do you hear! 

Hebe. It is written that a wife must leave her father and 
mother! 

Growler. [Angrily.] Yes, — that's all right,— but it doesn't 
mention a word about the uncle! — For the Lord's sake, Hebe,— 
you are not thinking of getting married! — A mere slip of a girl 
like you ! 

Hebe. [With some effort.] I hate to give you pain, uncle,— but 
I must admit that I am thinking of it most seriously! 

Growler. [Rising.] You have completely spoiled my appetite 
for breakfast! * 

Hebe. [Rising quicldy,— going touiards Mm; carressingly.] 
Please, uncle do not feel annoyed! — It won't be necessary for me 
to leave you altogether! — I will always take care of you! — You 
might come and live with us! 

Growler. [Perplexed] With us? — Then the somebody has 
already come, eh? 

Hebe. [Meekly.] Yes, uncle, — he has! [Patting him on the 
cheeks affectionately.] 

Growler. [Annoyed, pushing her hand away.] Oh, — stop 
your love pats! — You don't mean them anyway! — You'd better 
bottle up your affection for him! — You might just as well finish 
me off at a stroke! — I hate to be tortured to death slowly! — Who 
is he?— Where is he? 

Hebe. [Embarrassed, tur^ning down her eyes.] That's just the 
thing, uncle!; 

Growler. I know all about the thing!— I want to know who 
the person is!— Come, — out with it! 

Hebe. It will surprise you so, when he comes to speak to you! 

Growler. Surprise? — I hate surprises! — They're bad for the 
nerves! 

Hebe. I mean when you see who it is! 

Growler. See here,— I don't like to be guessing conundrums! 
— Is he here in Waukesha? 

Hebe, [Nods.] That is a proof of his love for me, uncle! — He 
has followed me here! 

Growler. Is that all the occupation he has, to go gallivanting 
all over the country after girls? 

Hebe. I regarded him at first with suspicion, — but you have 
only to look well into his eyes to know that you may trust him. 

Growler. I'll prefer to look into his pocketbook! 

Hebe. Oh, — I didn't think of such a thing! 

Growler. And where is this individual? 

Hebe. [Caressingly.] You'll soon see him, uncle! [Exit 
quickly l. 2. e. behind arbor.] 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 59 

Growler, [Calling after he7\] Hebe, — come back here! [Enter 
Otto from hotel l.] 

Otto. [Pointing to the hr^eakfast table.] Can I take dose dings 
avay already, sir? 

Growier. [Angrily.] No!— Get out! [Goes back to the table.] 

Otto. [Frightened.] Och, — oxcuse me, sir! [Exit back in hotel 
L. while Growler sit.^i doivn.] 

Growler. [Ginimbling.] To torture me like this, and not even 
to mention his name! It's unpardonable! — How does she expect 
me to enjoy my breakfast! 

Jones. [Enteri7ig, unperceived by Growler r. u. e.] The pre- 
liminary attack has been successful, — the uncle is alone! 
[Approaching and greeting hi7n.] Good morning Mr. Growler! 

Growler. [Jumping up.] There's that pickpocket! [Places 
his hand on his p)Ockets.] What do you want? 

Jones. I've come to ask you jf you would like to take another 
massage treatment! 

Growler. No, sir! — No, sir! — I've had all the massage I want! 
—If you think I'm a piece of dough that wants kneading, you're 
mistaken! 

Jones. You're losing a splendid opportunity to get well, sir! 

Growler. [Motioning him away.] I haven't lost the oppor- 
tunity to lose my pocketbook at least! 

Jones. [Taking a pocketbook from his pocfceif.] Is this the 
one, sir? 

Growler. Of course, it is! 

Jones. One of the waiters found it here on the ground yester- 
day,— and didn't know to whom it belonged! — I'm glad to be able 
to return your property to you! 

Growler. [Taking the pocketbook,— aside.] Because there 
was no money in it! [Aloud.] Thanks! [Retreats a few steps 
from Jones.] 

Jones. [Following him unconceimedly.] And now, — I would 
like to speak a few words with you in my own behalf! 

Growler. Keep away from me, if you please! 

Jones. Why, — you don't think that I would give you a treat- 
ment against your will? 

Growler. I'll feel obliged to you if you'll keep your distance! 

Jones. Mr. Growler, — I wish to speak to you on a delicate sub- 
ject,— which I do not care to cry over the housetops! — Besides you 
are slightly hard of hearing! 

Growler. And you seem somewhat dull of comprehension! — 
Haven't I made it sufficiently plain that I do not wish to speak to 
you? 

Jones. [Aside.] In bad humor, as usual! 

Growler. Good day, sir! 

Jones. [Shrugging his shoulders.] I'll have to watch for a 
more favorable opportunity! [Aloud.] Good morning, sir! 
[Exit behind arbor l. 2 e.] 



60 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

(ji'Owler. [Only nods his head.] I wonder if I'll ever get a 
chance to eat my breakfast to-day! [Sits down again at the 
table.] 

Harrison, [Filtering from r. u. e., looking at his icatch.] Well, 
— I've taken my morning's constitutional!— Glad it's over! [To 
Growler.] Good morning, sir! 

Growler. [Annoyed.] Morning! 

Harrison. You seem to be enjoying your breakfast! 

Orow^ler, No, sir! — It's almost choking me! 

Harrison. [Taking a seat opposite {iivmNl^Vj— laughing.] So 
you said last night at dinner, but still you seemed to stow away a 
hearty meal! — I wish I could do likewise, — but I'm here to reduce 
myself! [Slapping his stomach.] It's like torture to me, I tell 
you! — My only pleasure in life is to eat and drink well! — And as I 
have neither kith nor kin 

Orowler. You may be glad of it! — Marriage is all humbug! 

Harrison. Yes, — I've often thought so! — Still, when a man is 
worth about a million and a half like myself 

Growler. [Starts.] A milUon and a^ 

Harrison. Ah ! — We won't mention the half ! — Otherwise they'll 
want to increase my taxes still more! — I wonder really what they 
have taxed me at!--My friend, Will Humphrey, promised to wire 
me before I left Chicago, but I haven't heard from him as yet! 
[Looking round.] What's become of your niece? 

Growler. She went for a walk! 

Harrison. Seems to be a charming girl, do you kgow! 

Growler. [Coolly.] You think so? 

Harrison. I certainly do! — She's made quite an impression on 
me!— So refined and graceful, — so attractive and ladylike! 

Growler. Hm ! 

Harrison. So, — she's lost her parents, and is living with you 
eh? 

Growler. How do you know this, sir? 

Harrison. She's told me so! 

Growler. [Aside.] Great heaven, — can this be the 

[Gazes at Harrison as if dumbfounded.] 

Harrison. What did you say? 

Growler, Nothing, sir, — nothing at all! 

Harrison. I suppose it would be quite a sacrifice if you should 
have to give her up some day! 

Growler. We haven't got as far as that yet, I hope! 

Harrison. [Playfully shaking his finger at him.] Oh, — I don't 
know! — You may have to bite the sour apple, sooner than you 
think! 

Growler. [Excitedly.] What's the use of all this subterfuge? 
Why don't you come out plainly, and say that you want my Hebe? 

Harrison. [Astonished.] I? 

Growler. 1 es, you !— You want to marry her, — that's quite clear 
to me! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 61 

Harrison. Such an idea never entered my head, sir! 

Growler. Then I wish you wouldn't put any more foolish 
notions into her head! 

Harrison. I never did such a thing! 

Orowler. You certainly gave her to understand that you* had 
serious intentions, eir! 

Harrison. [Rising.] Excuse me, sir, — you are wrong! 

Growler. [Also rising, — gesticulating across the table towards 
Harrison.] You have not behaved yourself like a gentleman, 
sir! 

Harrison, What the deuce! — Yesterday at the spring J gave 
her a few roses, and paid her some cooripliments! — Does that mean 
that I want to marry her? 

Growler. [Knocking on the table.] At least you made my 
niece understand that much, sir! 

Harrison. Then the sooner you talk that idea out of your 
niece's head, the better it will be, sir I 

Growler. That's your business! — It's you who have insulteJ 
her! — You owe her an explanation, sir! 

Harrison. No, thanks! — I don't want to run any more risks at 
being misunderstood! 

Growler. Sir, it is your duty, — and if you are a gentleman, you 
will apologise to her. 

Harrison. You may take me for a fool, sir,— but you'll find 
that I'm not so easily taken in! — Your blackmailing scheme won't 
work with me! — You can get rid of your niece to somebody else, 
but not to me. [Going towards hotel l,. — Aside.] Bah, — it's a 
confidence game! [Exit in hotel l,.] 

Growler, [Astonished, ijlacing his arms akimbo.] Well, — I 
never!— Does that stuffed chimpanzee imagine that I want to get 
rid of my Hebe? — But wait,^I'll have a few words to say to her 
when she comes back! [Sits down again cd his breakfast.] 

Cora. [Entering r. u. e., dressed extravagantly like a servant 
in her Sunday clothes.] I think this must be the place! [Sees 
Growler.] There's a gentleman;— I'll ask him! [Taps Growler 
on the shoulder.] I say, mister! 

Growler. [Stay^tled.] Well,— what do you want? 

Cora. Can you tell me if this is the Park Hotel? 

Growler. [Annoyed.] Can't you read that sign over there? 

Cora. [Looks at the sign over entrant e of hotel.] Oh, yes, — I 
didn't see it before!— Thank you for the information, sir! 

Growler. [Eating.] Don't mention it! [EnterOtiofrom Jiotel 
L.., and comes doivn the steins.] 

Cera. [To Otto,] Do you belong here, sir? 

Otto. [Extravagantly polite.] Yes, Miss!— What can I do for 
you already yet? 

Cora. I've just come in on the train !— My missus, Mrs. Parker, 
is stopping here! 



62 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Olto. Oh, yes!— Oh, yee! - No. 32! - She has gone already for a 
morning walk mit No, 34,— Miss Green! 

Cora. And what is the number of the master's room? 

Otto. The master?" What master? 

Cora. [Aside.] I nearly forgot myself !— Mr. Torrence told me 
to be careful! [Aloud.] Isn't there a Mr. Harrison stopping 
here? 

Otto. Two Mr. Harrisons, I bet \ou some!— One is fat and 
jolly, 

Cora. Mine is thin and cranky! 

Otto. [Aside.] Och, jimminy! [Aloud, somewhat confused.] 
Yah,— dat one is not stopping here already any more! 

Cora. What? — Where is he gone? 

Otto. Och , Miss, — dat vas a secret, vat T cannot tell you already 
now!— Mrs. Parker vas also asking me dis morning! 

Cora. [Anxiously.] But it is absolutely necessary that I should 
see him! 

Otto. Yah,— dat may be, but I cannot tell you so! — Vot do you 
vantto see him apout, Miss? 

Cora. [Snappislily.] Is that any of your business? 

Otto. Och, no,— of course not!— I only ask just so!— But no- 
body can see him yet for some time, I bet you some! — He vas 
dangerous! 

Cora. [Anxiously.] What do you mean? 

Otto. Och,— noddings!— I cannot tell you!— But here comes 
Mrs. Parker, already!— You better ask her! [Exit quickly in 
hotel L. Enter Vivian aiid Mildred r. u. e.] 

Yivian. [Frightened at seeing Corsi,] Great Heaven! 

Growler. [Startled, jumps up.] Oh, Lord! [Sinks back in his 
chair,] 

Vivian and Mildred. [Together.] Cora! 

Cora. Yes, — it's me, ma'am! — Don't be frightened! 

Vivian. What has happened at home? 

Cora. Nothing at all, ma'am!— I came to find out what is the 
matter here! — Mr. Torrence sent me! — He got several telegrams 
from the master yesterday, to which he could not make head nor 
tail!— They're so busy at the office that he couldn't come himself, 
nor spare anyone else, and so he sent me.— Where is Mr. Parker, 
ma'am? 

Vivian. I wish I could tell you! — We have been looking for 
him everywhere! — I feel as if I'm going out of my mind!— Heaven 
only knows what may have happened to him! 

Mildred. Come, come, Vivian! — Have a little common sense! — 
You can't lose a man like a hair-pin! — This sudden disappearance 
is certainly another one of his tricks! 

Vivian. No, no, aunt!— He's doing it to torture and punish 
me!— If you only knew how shamefully I treated him yesterday! 
[Goes up stage icith Mildred conversing.] 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 63 

Cora. [Shrugging hei^ shoulders.] Now rm just as wise as 
when I came! 

Jones. [Entering l. 2 e., and approaching Orowler from 
behind.] Ill try my luck once more! [Taps GrroTvler on the 
shoulder.] Mr. Growler! 

Growler. [Shrinking together in fear, and sloivly turning 
toiva7'ds Jones.] Ah!— What, — you again! 

Jones. I've merely come to ask if after your breakfast you feel 
somewhat kindlier disposed! 

Growler. [Orumbling.] No, on the contrary ! 

Vivian. [Seeing Jones.] Ah,— there is Mr. Jones! 

Jones. [Greeting the ladies.] Ladies! — Good morning! [Goes 
totvards them.] 

Cora. [Surprised at seeing Jones.] What,— that man here 
too!^ 

Vivian. Will you give us your assistance? — My husband has 
completely disappeared since yesterday! 

Jones. \Dumbfounded.] What?- Then it was he after all? 

Vivian, Do you know what has become of him? 

Jones. Yes, — I do know, — I am sorry to say! 

Vivian. [Horrified.] Sorry to say?— Heaven, what has hap- 
pened to him? 

Jones. [Confused.] Well, hm! 

Mildred. Come, — don't keep her in any unnecessary suspense! 
—Tell us! 

Jones. There's absolutely no need to excite yourselves, ladies! 
— He is in no danger whatsoever, and well taken care of! 

Cora. I'll bet the master's being locked up! 

Jones. I'll go after him and bring him back with me here alive 
and well in less than five minutes! 

Vivian. [Quickly.] I'll go with you! 

Jones. Pardon me, madam, — but that would hardly do! — His 
present abode is scarcely fit to receive ladies! — I'll be back in no 
time! [Exit R. u. e.] 

Mildred. Do you understand anything of all this, Vivian? 

Vivian. I don't, aunt, — and I don't care to! — So long as I get 
my Fred back! [They go up stage looking off after Jones, and 
walk off slowly r. u. e,] 

Cora. This is a case of lost, strayed, or stolen! [Exit k. u. e.] 

Hebe. [Entering l. 2 e. and coming behind Growler, she 
places her hand on his shoulder.] Uncle, dear! 

Growler. [Jumping up again, startled.] Ah! — Why are you 
all trying to scare the life out of me? 

Hebp. Excuse me, uncle,— I didn't mean to! — Has he been 
here? 

Growler. Of course, he has! [Throws down his napkiii and 
leaves the table.'] 

Hebe. Well and 



64 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 

Growler. Hebe,— I can stand a good deal of foolishness from 
you,— but I never thought you could have been so downright 
stupid! 

Hebe. Stupid? 

Growler. You put me in a most awkward position! — But you 
are all alike! — No sooner does a man pay you a few silly compli- 
ments, but you imagine thai he can no longer live without you! 

Hebe. Uncle, I am positive he can not live without me! — What 
impression did he make on you? 

Growler. I don't see how he could possibly have made an 
impression on you! — Of course, — he's worth a million and a 
half 

Hebe. He never told me that, — and besides— it's of no con- 
sequence! 

Growler. Then I cannot understand it at all! — You told me to 
look into his eyes, eh?— I did!— He's wall-eyed,— he's got eyes like 
a pig! 

Hebe. Oh, uncle! 

Growler. But that's neither here nor there! — There's no 
accounting for tastes !-He may be a perfect Adonis in your eyes!— 
The only thing is that the man hasn't the slightest idea of getting 
married! 

Hebe. [With more emphasis.] Oh, — uncle! 

Growler. Yes, — oh, uncle! — He vt^as perfectly plain in that 
respect! 

Hebe. You've simply misunderstood him! 

Growler. Have I?— I may be slightly hard of hearing, but 
when a man becomes so insulting as he did,— there can hardly be 
a question of misunderstanding. 

Hebe. \ Perplexed.] What?— Can he have made game of me? 
Oh, it's impossible!— But if he has,— we ought not to let it pass 
like this! 

Growler. I don't mteud to,— we'll punish him with our utter 
contempt! 

Hebe. No, no,~that won't be sufficient!— You will have to call 
him to account, uncle! 

Growler. I call him to an account?— An invalid like me?- 
Why,— the fellow is as strong as an ox! 

Hebe. [Excitedhj.] I will have satisfaction! 

Growler. For heaven's sake don't let us have any fuss!— What 
if other people should hear of this! 

Hebe. There is nothing I have to be ashamed of!— I want 
everybody here to know it, so he'll be ashamed to stay! 

Growler. Oblige me with one thing, and create no scandal!— 
Pay no more attention to him than if he didn't exist!— Bah! 
[Enter Harrison from hotel l. ivith a He?t'.spope?'.— Growler passes 
him, not noticing him— On the top of the steps he turns round 
and throws a contemptuous glance towards Harrison.] Bah! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 65 

[Eocit in hotel. Harrison looks after Mm with an amused smile^ 
shrugs his shoulders, sits doivn r. and commences to read.] 

Hebe. [Aside.] No,— I won't stand it!— There's that stout 
gentleman who was so kind tome yesterday!— I think he will take 
my part! [To Harrison.] Excuse me, Mr. Harrison, if I disturb 
you! 

Harrison. [Rising,— aside.] Now she's coming to the attack 
herself! 

Hebe. Oh, — please, keep your seat, sir! 

Harrison. No,— thanks! 

Hebe. Would you kindly spare me one minute? 

Harrison. Pardon me,— but I have a splitting headache! [Is 
about to leave.] 

Hebe. And my heart is almost breaking! 

Harrison. Why can't you leave an old fellow like myself alone? 

Hebe. Oh, sir, — you were so kind and attentive to me yester- 
day, that 

Harrison. I promise you that it won't occur again!— Your 
uncle told me what foolish nonsense you've got into your head! 

Hebe. Then you know how miserable I must feel! — Oh, please, 
won't you be my protector? [She places her hand confidingly on 
his arm.] 

Harrison. [Evading her.] It's a great honor, no doubt, — but 
I would rather not! — You had better look for someone else! 

Hebe. But can't you feel, — can't you understand what an 
agony it must be to me, — to find myself so terribly mistaken? 

Harrison. If you please, miss,— don't try to play on my feel- 
ings! — It's absolutely useless, I tell you! 

Hebe. Not a single soul seems to have compassion on me! 
[Exit iveeping r. 2.e.] 

Harrison. [Dryly.] I must admit that the old man has found 
an apt pupil in his niece, — but I've been through the mill too 
often to be caught by any game of this kind! [Exit in hotel l..] 

Vivian. [Entering r. u. e., followed by Mildred and Cora. — 
Joyfully.] Oh, aunt, — there they come! 

Mildred. [Coolly.] Now, Vivian, — there's no need to make an 
exhibition of yourself! [Leads her down stage.] 

Vivian. Oh, aunt, — my heart is almost bursting! 

Cora. [ ZTp stage looking off r.] The master looks as if he had 
had the starch taken out of him! [Enter Jones and Fred r. u. e., 
remaining up stage.] 

Jones. [Smiling.] Here, ladies, — I restore to you the prodigal 
husband! — I'll be discreet and vamoose! [Exit behind hotel 
L. u. E. Fred comes slowly down stage c, ivith doimicast eyes. 
Cora folloios him on his r., in utter amazement.] 

Vivian. Goodness gracious, — what has come over him? 

Cora. He looks all done up, ma'am! 

Vivian. [Piqued,] Cora, — go inside, and let them give you 
some breakfast! 



66 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Cora. Yes, ma'am, — but I would like to know 

Vivian. Go inside at once, I tell you! 

Cora. All right, ma'am! [Goes to hotel l.. — Aside.] I'm just 
dying to find but all about it!— What a pity! [Exit m hotel l..] 

Yiyian. [Approaching Fred.] Fred! 

Fred. [Without lifting his eyes, — meekly.] Vivy! 

Yiviaii. For the love of heaven, — tell me where you have been? 

Fred. [-.4s above.] Please, — don't ask me! 

Mildred. But we want to know all about it! 

Fred. [Pointing at Mildred.] You are to blame for it all! 

Mildred. Oh, yes, — of course! — That doesn't astonish me! 

Vivian. Where were you all night? 

Fred. I would rather not speak of it! 

Mildred. We are only among ourselves here! 

Vivian. [Cnaxingly.] Please,— tell us, Fred! 

Fred. [Groaning.] I suppose I'll have to tell you, — but swear 
that you will never mention it to a living soul, — especially not to 
Torrence! 

Mildred. Never a word of it! 

Fred. [Hesitatingly, — after a short pause.] No, — I haven't 
got the heart to tell you!— Only this I must say to you, Vivian,— 
that after I found myself alone 

Vivian. [Sympathetically.] All alone, dear? 

Fred. [Sighing.] Yes, — all alone, 1 made up my mind 

never to let my temper get the better of me again! 

Vivian. If you do that, Fred, — I'll promise you never to con- 
tradict you again! [Mildred shrugs her shoulders in derision.] 

Fred. [Affectionately.] Sweetheart! 

Vivian. My darling! 

Fred. My own dearest wife! 

Mildred. [Aside.] Now, wouldn't that make anyone sick? 

Fred. In reality we have always loved each other most dearly, 
— haven't we, Vivy? 

Vivian. I've always loved you better than you did me, dear! 

Fred. Oh, no,— my angel! 

Vivian. Oh, yes, — for you mistrusted me! — You had no faith 
in me, so aunt Mildred told me! 

Fred. [Turning towards Mildred.] Very much obliged to 
you! 

Mildred. Well, — wasn't I right? — Didn't you come here to play 
the spy on her? 

Vivian. [Throwing her arms around him.] You will never 
do so again, will you, darling? 

Fred. What worried me the most was to see the little attention 
aunt Mildred paid to you! 

Mildred. [Sarcastically^ Oh, yes,— of coursel— It's always 
aunt Mildred. 

Vivian. Anyhow your anxiety was a proof of your affection for 
me, and I forgive you also what you said to aunt Mildred about me! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 67 

Fred. [Turning toicards Mildred,— angHZi/.] What did I say 
to her? 

Viviau. That my good looks were only a source of bother to 
youi 

Fred. [Looking angrily towards Mildred.] What do you 
want to twist my words round hke that for? [To Vivian.] All I 
meant to say was that you were far too pretty for me! 

Vivian. Oh,— that sounds differently! [Reproachfully to 
Mildred.] Oh, aunt, — how could you? 

Mildred. [Opening her parasol ivith a snap,— disgusted.] 
Good morning. [Exit R. u. e.] 

Fred. [Taking a deep breath.] At last she's left us alone! 
[Leads Vivian to arbor l.., sits down, pulls her beside him, and 
kisses her.] 

Vivian. [Throwing her arms around him.] My darling, at 
last I've got you again! 

Cora. [Without hat from hotel l.] I've had my breakfast, 
ma'am! [\\\m\i jumps up quickly.] 

Fred. [Annoyed.] Then go back and have another one on 
me! 

Cora. [Astonished.] All right, sir! [Exit again in hotel l., 
looking back at the arbor.] 

Vivian. [Seating herself again.] Haven't we been awfully 
foolish, dear,— to make our lives miserable with our petty 
quarrels? 

Fred. Do you know what I have been thinking about in the 

solitude of my hm! of my apartment?— If we ever 

should quarrel again 

Vivian. [Quickly interrupting him.] Oh,— but that will never 
happen anv more! 

Fred. Well,— let's hope not,— but still it might! 

Vivian. No,— I've firmly made up my mind!— If it does,— it 
would entirely be your fault! 

Fred. We'll see!— But what I meant to say is— let us start a 
sort of contribution box.— Whoever begins to quarrel will have to 
pay a fine! 

Vivian. [Quickly.] Five dollars. 

Fred. [Hesitatingly.] Well,— that's rather high! 

Vivian. See, — you're afraid! 

Fred. [Affectionately.] Only for your sake, darling!— Let's 
mnke it fifty cents! 

Vivian. All right then! 

Fred. But don't forget about it before you get back to 
Chicago! 

Vivian. Why,— are you not going to stay here?— Then 1 11 go 
back on the same train with you! 

Fred. No, dear,— you'd better stay here and enjoy yourself for 
a while!— I want to prove to you that I have absolute confidence 
in you ! 



G8 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Viviau. And 1 want to prove my love to you by returning 
home with you! 

Fred. No, no,— you must do as I tell you! [Vivian turns her 
head away as if displeased. Fred takes her by the shoulders, and 
gently makes her face him again.] Your husband ought to know 
what should be done! 

Vivian, Indeed? — And why shouldn't the wife? [Rises in bad 
humor.] I suppose you know better because you have ten per 
cent more brain than I ! 

Fred. [Stretching out his hand towards her.] Vivian, fifty 
cents fine, please! 

Vivian. I? — Excuse me! — It's you who owe a fine! 

Fred. That's a peculiar logic! 

Vivian, When you tease and annoy me, it's certainly you who 
should pay a fine! 

Fred. You'll have to wait a long time before I do! 

Vivian. Oh, — of course! — I expected that! — Whatever you say 
— is right! — You are the lord ana master! — Whatever you wish is 
law! — All I have to do is to obey! — You command that I shall 
stay, — very well — I'll do so! — You can go alone! — But never tell 
me again that it costs you pain to leave me! — It's quite clear now 
that you let me go from you " with the greatest pleasure." 

Fred, [Jumping up^ angrily hitting the table.] You are trying 
to exasperate me again! — You will really drive me insane yel! 

Mildred. [Entering u.v.'e,.] Ah,— at it again, beloved children? 
— I thought it wouldn't take long ! 

Vivian. Oh, aunt, — protect me from his insults! 

Fredr [On the other side of her.] See here, aunt Mildred, — 
you're a person of good, common sense! 

Mildred. What?— All of a sudden? 

Vivian. [Pulling Mildred away.] Don't listen to him, aunt! 

Mildred. [Pacifying her.] No, no! 

Fred. Aunt,— she is behaving herself again like a baby! 

Mildred. [Same bus.] Yes, yes! 

Vivian. Should I stand such a treatment as this? 

Mildred. Certainly not! 

Fred. That settles it! — I'll get my satchel and go! [Runs 
towards hotel l.] 

Vivian. You see, — that's all he wanted! [Fred turns round 
on the steps, throws up his hands in anger, and exit in hotel.] 
Any pretext to get rid of me! 

Mildred. That doesn't astonish me at all! 

Vivian. What? 

Mildred. 1 knew it had to come to this! — When two married 
people cannot get along together, the best thing they can do is to 
separate! 

Vivian. [Horrified.] Auntie, do you really mean that? 



WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 69 

Mildred. Most decidedly! — You might be living in an earthly 
paradise, if you wanted to! — But you don't seem to know the way 
towards it! 

Vivian. If you know the way, aunt Mildred, — then for pity 
sake show it to me! 

Mildred. Then, in the first place, — you'll have to learn to con- 
trol your temper, — and to give in— even when you think your 
husband is wrong! 

Vivian. [Crosses her arms in front of her, loalks a few times 
quickly up and down in meditation and suddenly halts in front 
0/ Mildred.] Aunt! 

Mildred. Well? 

Vivian. [Pulls out her pu7'se.] Come with me! — I know what 
to do now! [Drags her aunt quickly off in hotel l. Enter Jones 
from behind hotel l., and Hebe /rowi r. 2 e.] 

Jones, Ah, Hebe, — at last I find you! 

Hebe. [Coolly.] How dare you still to address me, sir? 

Jones. [Astonished.] Why, Hebe, — what means this? 

Hebe. I forbid you to use my name, or address me in any form 
whatsoever! — We are total strangers, sir! 

Jones. Well, — I'll sink into the ground! 

Hebe. Go ahead and sink! — I won't dig you up again! — If 
there's not a man here who has courage enough to tell you the 
trutli, I'll do so myself! — Your million and a half doesn't give you 
the right to insult unprotected women! 

Jones. My million and a half? — Good lord! 

Hebe. If you were to throw them at my feet, I 

Jones. I would do so with the greatest pleasure, if I only had 
them! 

Hebe. Your money is absolutely nothing to mel 

Jones. All right! — Then we'll drop the financial topic, and 
speak of 

Hebe. I won't speak another word to you! — Go awqty, and leave 
me! [About to cross to the hotel.] 

Jones. [Barring her passage.] No, — I'll stay here, till I've had 
an explanation of all this! 

Hebe. Very well, — you stay, — then I'll go! [Crossing to l. and 
turning round, — indignantly.] You — you hypocrite! [Exit 
quitkly l. 2 e. — Jones remains looking after her in amazement. — 
Enter Fred from hotel l. with satchel and ulster, followed by 
Otto ivith a bill] 

Jones. What evil spirit is at work here! [Fred bumps against 
him with his satchel. — Jones turns ioivards him.] Excuse me, 
sir! 

Otto. It's too bad you vant to leave us already, Mr. Parker! 

Fred. Is it any of your business? 

Otto. Och, no!— You forget your bill, sir! [Presents the bill.] 

Fred. [Takes the bill, looks it over,— then up to the hotel,— 
suddenly.] Tell my wife to pay it! 



70 WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 

Otto. All right, sir! [Exit quickly in hotel L,.] 

Fred. Now she'll see that I'm in earnest! 

Joues. My dear Mr. Parker, you have plenty of time before the 
next train! — I wish you would do me the favor to speak a good 
word for me to Mr. Growler, before you leave! — For some reason 
or another the old bear won't let me come near him!— You know 
— one good turn deserves another! 

Fred. [Puts down his satchel and throws his ulster upon it.] 
Why, my dear sir, — with the greatest pleasure! — If it hadn't been 
for you, I might still be listening to the tale of woe of Julius 
Caesar, my next door neighbor! 

Jones. I can't imagine what he has been telling his niece about 
me, — but I'm certainly in her black books just now! 

Fred. Leave it to me, — I'll square matters for you! 

Jones. I'll be your life long debtor if you do!— Now to try and 
speak to Hebe once more! [Exit quickly L. 2 e.] 

Fred, Glad I found an excuse for delay! [Cora enters from 
hotel L., and picks up the satchel icithout speaking.] What are 
you doing Cora? 

Cora. I'm going to take your satchel up stairs again, sir! The 
Missus says you're not going to leave anyhow! 

Fred. She does, eh? — Well she's mistaken! — I am going to 
leave by the next train! — I only want to see Mr. Growler for a 
moment before I go! ^ 

Cora. Well, — what am I to do now? 

Fred. Go and have some breakfast! [Exit in hotel l..] 

Cora. [Holding her sides.] No, thanks, — I couldn't eat another 
morsel! — Now I don't know what the missus wants, and I don't 
know what the master wants! — I don't think they know what they 
want themselves! 

Otto. [From hotel l,., remains on the steps^ Well, Miss, — und 
how do you like it already in Waukesha? — Pretty good place, I bet 
you some, — don't it? 

Cora. Ah, what!— They want to feed people to death here! 

Otto. [^Astonished.] Veil, veil, — dot's de first dime sooch a 
complaint has been made here already! [They walk off convers- 
ing behind hotel l. u. e.] 

Growler. [En tering slowly from hotel.] Now, I wonder where 
that girl is keeping herself! [Enter Yy^^ from hotel. He taps 
Growler on the shoulder. The latter starts, looks round, sees 
Fred, and shrinks together luith fear.] Ah! [He is about to 
make his escape, but is detained by Fred, w'ho grabs him by the 
hand.] 

Fred. Don't run away! — I only want one word with you! 

Growler. [Aside.] It's always best to humor those people! 

Fred, What have you got against Mr. Jones? 

Growler. He doesn't concern me in the least, sir! 

Fred. Now,— just for the sake of argument — imagine that I am 
Jones! 



WHAT BECAME OF PARKER. 71 

Growler. [Aside.] There he goes again with his delusions! 

Fred. I am in comfortable circumstances and able to support 
a wife. There's a clear profit of two hundred per cent in the drug 
business — I come to Chicago and meet a certain young lady! 
[Gesticulates lively.] You understand, eh?— It's a question of 
love at first sight! — The only girl for me in the whole world!— 
Just a plain American girl is good enough for me, — and all that 
sort of thing! — The question is for you to say " Yes " or '* No! " — 
Am I clear, uncle, eh? [Digs him in the ribs.] 

Growler. Perfectly! [Aside.] He might as well be talking 
Swedish to me! 

Fred. Now, — quick! — Your answer! 

Growler, Quick?— Excuse me, — I've just taken a bath, and 
feel somewhat chilly! — I want to go and get my overcoat! [Is 
about to leave.] 

Fred. [Detaining him, and offering him his ulster.] Here put 
on my coat, — that will keep you warm! 

Growler. [Aside, — nervously.] If I could only get away from 
here! 

Fred. [Holds up the ulster for Growler to put it on.] Come 
on ! — Hurry up ! [Assists Growler in putting on the ulster, ivhich 
is much too large for him.] Now, button it up in front. 

Growler, [Aside.] This thing feels like a straight jacket! — 
It's impossible to escape in it! 

Fred. Now, you're warm and comfortable!— Give me your 
answer! 

Growler. Excuse me, — but what did you ask me? 

Fred. What the devil! — Is your memory so short? 

Growler. [Anxiously.] Please, don't get excited! 

Fred. Well, — will you give her to Jones— yes or no? 

Growler. Who? 

Fred. I'll be blowed ! — Your niece, of course! 

Growler. [Quickly.] Do you think I'm crazy! [Suddenly 
correcting himself, — in fear.] No, no, — I didn't mean that! — 
Please, excuse me! [Steps on the ulster and almost falls. Fred 
grabs him by the arm to save him from falling .] 

Fred. [Holding him, and someivhat threateningly.] Don't 
fall! — Now, — for the last time, — are you going to give her to him — 
yes or no? 

Growler. [Frightened.] Yes, sir, — yes! 

Fred. [Releasing him.] Very well! — Then I mav tell Jones 

BO? 

Growler, As you please! [Enter Jones and Hel)e l. 2 e.] 

Hebe. [Beseechingly.] Uncle, dear! 

Fred. [To Growler.] Now speak out! — Here's your chance! 

Growler. [Trembling for fear.] Hebe, — for Heaven's sake,— 
to oblige me — say that you will marry that fellow over there! 
[Points to Jones.] 



72 WHAT BECAME OP PARKER. 

Hebe. Oh, uncle,— I'll oblige you with all my heart! [Takes 
Jones' hand.] 

Jones. Yes, — so will I! 

Growler. [To Fred.] Now, you have your wish! — I hope you 
are satisfied! 

Fred. Yes,— thank you! [Goes towat^ds hotel l..] 

Growler. [Breathing deeply as if in relief.] Thank the Lord! 
Safe at last! — It's a terrjble trial to converse with a lunatic! — You 
never know when they may get dangerous! [Turns round and 
sees Jones and Hebe kissing each other. — Dumfounded.] Hebe! 
[Fulls them apart and steps between them.] There is no occa- 
sion to play your parts so naturally as all this! 

Jones. It's no play, — it's the real thing, uncle. 

Growler. [Perplexed.] V/hat! [Hebe and Jones remain in 
conversation ivith Growler ujj stage, as if explaining matters to 
him. Enter Mildred from hotel l.] 

Mildred. My dear Fred, — Vivian asked me to give you this! 
[Hands him a half dollar.] 

Fred. [Joyfully.] Fifty cents. 

Mildred. Yes, for your contribution box! 

Fred. Aunt, — this is kind of her! — Now, I'll pay a dollar, — for 
really I was to blame for it all! 

Vivian. [Entering from hotel l.] No, Fred, — it was all my 
fault! 

Fred. No, my love, — you are mistaken! 

Vivian. Very well, then! — Just as you say! — In the future I 
will give in to you, whether you are right or wrong. 

Fred. [Spreading out his arms, — gladly.] Vivy! [She throws 
herself in his arms^ 

Vivian. And if ever a thoughtless word should again escape 
my lips, 

Fred. I'll close them with a loving kiss! [Kisses her.] 

Mildred, Now you two are taking sense! [Enter Harrison 
fro7n hotel l.. — Growler, Jones and Hebe have come doum stage.] 

Growler. I can hardly understand that all this is reality! 

Jones. Here is the proof, uncle! [Spreads out his arms. Hebe 
crosses Growler and throws herself into them.] 

Growler. It's incomprehensible! [Hits himself on the fore- 
head.] 

Harrison. [To Growler.] I see one sucker got caught, eh? 

Growler. Yes, — and that sucker is myself! 

Positions: 
Mildred, Fred. Vivian. Hebe. Jones. Growler. Harrison. 

Curtain. 
THE END. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



m 




015 973 326 9 • 

PLAYS. 



BEING the largest theatrical booksellers in 
the United States, we keep in stock the most 
complete and best assorted lines of plays and 
entertainment books to be found in this country. 

We can supply any play or book pub- 
lished. We have issued a 120-page catalogue 
of the best 1500 plays and entertainment books 
published in the U. S. and England. It con- 
tains a full description of each play, giving 
number of characters, time of pla3ang, scenery, 
costumes, etc. This catalogue will be sent free 
on application. 

The plays described are suitable for am- 
ateurs and professionals, and nearly all of them 
may be performed free of royalty. Persons in- 
terested in dramatic books should examine our 
catalogue before ordering elsewhere. 

The Dramatic Publishing Company, 

CHICAGO. 



